That’s what I’ve been doing lately. Besides schoolwork, housework and hanging out with friends I’ve mostly been thinking. Why thinking? Well, because I enjoy it. To some extent. And it’s a lot nicer thinking than I used to have. It used to be that if I’d been thinking a lot lately that I’d been getting all emo and sinking into the shadows of the past that I hate. But lately I’ve instead been thinking about the future. Of course I’m slightly apprehensive and fearful, but also very excited. One thing I’m especially excited about is getting a new laptop once I get to college. This dysfunctional hunk of silicon and plastic that I’m typing on at the moment has more problems than I care to think about. But I will mention one. One that really irritates me. Especially as I’m trying to write. The “B” key on my keyboard sticks horribly. So in this one post I’ve so far written the words “Een”, “Esides”, “Ecause” and “Ut” thanks to that. And my “E” key sticks occasionally too, but at the moment it seems to be working. This laptop is very temperamental. It will work if it’s in a good mood, if not all the keys will stick and it will run slow. But today it seems to be happy. And why shouldn’t it be? We should all be happy because I’ve finally decided to blog again! YAY! How awesome. And, as the name of this post suggests, I’ll be blogging about my thoughts of late.
I’m sure that, as always, you’re wondering why I haven’t blogged. Well, as I said, I’ve been thoughtful lately. And I must admit that a little while ago I was feeling kind of reminiscent and lonely, listening to songs like Blink 182’s “Down”, and being all emo. Too busy looking back to care what was ahead. Now those of you who are my good friends are with me often may be like, “Wait a minute! You weren’t emo. I was hanging out with you and we were having loads of fun!” But of course, when I’m feeling emo I don’t want other to know. Because that really brings the party down. I mean, if I start singing, “Tidal waves they rip right through me/tears from eyes worn/cold and sad” then no one would want to hang out with me. They’d be all like, “Oh no, it’s emo kid! RUN!” and then I’d be emo because of that. But now I’ve quite staring at what’s behind, because if I spend all my time focused on what’s behind I’ll never see what’s here now, and life is very good right now. I know you hate it when I’m not clear why I’m emo. So I’ll let you know. Part of it is because, as far as romance goes, I’m utterly alone. Now, as everyone knows, this is of my own choosing. But just because you make a rule yourself doesn’t mean you can’t hate it. The guy who came up with the idea of me staying single until I found a girl I’d be willing to marry was a real jerk. I think he just wants to irritate me and make my life difficult. I think he’s insane, why should I stay single when I could be out “falling in love”? Well, I’m the insane, irritating jerk. And I’m sticking by my standards, despite how emo it can make me feel.
The reason why this was in my mind is because summer is a time when people float together and fall in love. The weather is beautiful, everyone feels good, everyone is happy. But I exclude myself from this. And I long for something unseen. I blogged a long time ago about my future wife, who for now I am calling “Amaranth” simply because I don’t know her yet. And lately I’ve been thinking about her a lot. I had a dream a little while ago. I was waiting for the tram at Hobujaama on my way home when I saw her. A girl with black hair, a black knee length skirt and a black jacket. She had a very pale face, and impossibly red lips. I saw her walking towards a tram stop going in the opposite direction, and watched her. She walked erect, face forward. And then, just as she reached the tram stop she turned, and from all the way across the two trams stops our eyes met. And our gazes held. Somehow I knew who she was. And I decided I needed to talk to her. I needed to know her. And so I started to cross over to her tram stop and almost got hit by the number 1 tram, headed to Kopli. But by the time I got to the tram stop she was gone, and the tram was pulling away. I looked but couldn’t see her in the tram, but knew she must be on it. I tried running after the tram, but it was pointless. I woke up shaking, put on my hoody and slung my bag over my shoulder, ready to run and go take a tram to Kopli and look for her. Then I realized that it was 6 A.M. and I’d been dreaming.
I don’t know why I just blogged about that, I guess I just wanted to explain my emo-ness. My past and my singleness. Thus is life. But anyway, I’m thinking happy thoughts now. I’m happy because on Tuesday the mission team comes from America, and that should be fun. I’m happy because I can’t wait for all the camps this summer. And I’m happy because I’m going to college. And I’m especially happy that I’m getting a new laptop! Though I’m also happy that I currently have a defunct craptop. It’s better than nothing, and after this, my new laptop will seem even cooler than normal! Sweet! I’m sorry, I’d planned this to be a post about my happy thoughts, but it turned out to be about my emo-ness and odd dream. Well, whatever. I’m going to be now. Goodnight!
P.S. I wrote this post two days ago, but thank to my laptop acting stupid I haven’t been able to publish it!
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