"Dude, it's totally been forever. You better have a REALLY good excuse!"

Life...Uh, yeah. That's my really good excuse. Do I need a better one? I can't take a break to write a blog post. I've got too much going on. Well, that's not completely true. That's actually only one of my many excuses. One of my biggest excuses is the death of my laptop. I'm still in mourning over that useless hunk of crap. Once upon a time I'd go into my room, sit on my bed, fold my legs, set down my laptop and blog my heart out. But now, I go in my room, sit on my bed, fold my legs, reach for my laptop, and then remember that it's dead. Then I just sit, looking in my mirror and feeling empty. It's quite difficult living without an outlet for my emotions. I actually do a heck of a lot more writing than anybody realizes. Or at least I used to, before my laptop got slaughtered. But now my deep and profound thoughts and triumphs and defeats just cease to exist, rather than getting written down. It's very sad. And I don't like it. But I got so into the habit of blogging on my laptop that I have to remind myself that there's other places to blog. Like here! So now, lucky you, you get a new blog post!

Yeah, like, a totally new blog post. Isn't that awesome? Okay, now I'm going to give you the honest reason of why I haven't blogged. I've been working under the "If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all" philosophy for over a week now. And I haven't had anything nice to say. I have some, but I have so much negativity that I knew that if I tried to just give you the little bit of niceness, I'd end up spilling some nastiness on you too. This post has no point, neither nice or nasty, only a little bit of autobiographical writing. Because I need to let it out every now and then. The biggest things that have been going on in my life are A. My graduation and preparation for moving to Houghton and, B. The arrival of the 8 Hands On Mission Team girls. Of course anyone who knows me well will know why this has cause piles of not niceness. For those of you who don't know I'll explain. The fact that I've graduated brings the reality of leaving Estonia and moving to college much closer to home. And the 8 Mission Team girls just cement in my mind the fact that I'm para-jumping into a culture far more foreign to me than Estonia.

My passport country may be the United Staes of Whatever, but only a rare few are allowed to choose their passport country. And I'm not one of them. I carry a certain loathing...No, can't say that. That'll offend people. I carry a certain hatred...No, no. That'll get me abducted and waterboarded. I carry a certain...anti-love for my country of origin. Where as I absolutely love my HOME country of Estonia. I know so many people are schocked when they hear me say this. But it's true. I honestly don't know what I'll do when I leave. It's very difficult for me. So I sit and listen to My Chemical Romance and The Used. And be all emo. Change is very difficult for me. I've gotten used to my world being shaken up and turned upside down every few years. The longest I've ever lived in one place is 4 years. And those 4 years were hear in Estonia. But being used to something you hate doesn't make it much easier. In fact I think I probably hate change more than most people because I've experienced it so much. But it always seems that I leave just when everything is perfect. Why? I don't know. I don't choose when I move. Every move in my life has been decided by someone else. Except for this last move to Houghton. And that still wasn't chosen by me. My choice would be to sit and play video games with my friends until I'm old and gray, and never amount to anything. I'd be happy with that. But when you give you life to God, you give your whole life. Ugh. Now it sounds like I'm moaning about God. I'm not. I'm going to move on and blog about other things now...

Anyway. The mission team is here. That's...interesting. I've got some positive and some negative about them. But I'll just share the positive. We have 8 girls here: Mhairi Smeaton, Jennifer Coffill, Valerie Hartshorn, Christine Kelly, Kelly Marie, Olivia Munn, Franyfe Pena and Albeta Rakestraw. They're an interesting and diverse group of people. I'm actually surprised at how well they're doing together. Whenever I get dropped into a group that size I always end up fighting with someone. Maybe that's why there's no guys on the team. I was actually kind of upset when I learned that there would be no guys on the team. It leaves things rather unbalanced. But no amount of fussing by me will get us some strong Christian guys. And that's one of the great things about these 8 girls. As far as I can see they all seem extremely sincere. They might also seem like bumbling idiots at times, but at least they're sincere. I'd rather have 1 sincere idiot than 8 fake geniuses. And I got 8 sincere people. Of course I've got my favorites and, um, anti-favorites. But I notice that they have too. Some seem to like me. And some...not so much. And some even seem to be head over heels...Creepy. What kind of aerobics are they doing?

So anyway, I just got back from Tartu with them, where I was guide and occasional translater. It was my first chance to get to know them. And they confirmed one thing for me. If nothing else, they are all very American. It was an interesting time in Tartu. I hate going to Tartu. I have so many memories there. And so many of them bad. And the good ones are all pretty much soured by the bad. Just when I think my past is fully behind me I realize I'm wrong. Blogging about this compelled me to search for an old picture on my blog. And at one point in time this picture maybe me smile. Later it made me sick. Now I suddenly feel very cold and slightly light headed. It's difficult. So anyway. Yeah. I shouldn't have gone and looked up that picture. I completely lost what I was thinking about. But whatver. I've written enough for now anyway. Cya!