Why I'm Going to Get Into Magic: The Gathering

“It’s like playing chess while also practicing law!”

That’s how my wife described Magic after an attempted game of two-headed giant at a local game store. Magic is loads of fun, but it feels like you need read several textbooks to understand everything that's going on. So why would I want to get into something like that when I have little to no experience and nearly no acquaintances who play? Good question. I'm glad you asked. The title of this post might have been a spoiler but that's actually what I'm about to write about.

First, for the uninitiated, Magic: The Gathering is a generally fantasy-themed collectible card game where players build decks from a massive number of cards and go head to head in a variety of different play styles. Magic is old (launched in 1993, the world's first CCG) and as such is deeply complex (the comprehensive rulebook is a whopping 207 pages!) with nearly limitless variations of strategy and customization possible. In short, it's awesome.

So why do I suddenly want to start sinking my time and money into buying pieces of cardboard with fantasy pictures on them to play a game? Let me count the reasons...

1. I need more positive social interactions.

I whine about this a lot. I am very lonely. I was recently asked what kind of friends I have outside of the people I work with and I sat for a minute trying to come up with anyone. I've been in Portland for 2 years and so far I have barely any friends to show for it. I don't have any close friends or even consistent social interactions. I have enjoyable acquaintances and passing friendships with people I spend real time with only once every few months but otherwise it's me, my wife, our, cat, and my computer. That's the friend network.

This really isn't helped by the fact that I am both super introverted and I have high standards. I feel extremely uncomfortable in most social situations and even when people do take the time to interact with me I'm terrible at forming friendships. Those high standards are one of the biggest barriers. There’s a good chance I don’t like you and you actually aren’t good enough to be my friend. My preference is 2 or 3 truly good friends as opposed to dozens of ones I don’t like all that much. Friendships are an investment of my time, emotions, and energy and if I don't think I'm getting enough of a return on that investment it's just not worth it.

Let me just go back to the high standards thing for a second. In my experience the geek/nerd community is generally made up of the kindest, most accepting, most laid back, and most fun people you could ever meet. I could use a little more of that kind positivity in my life. The following video tells a story that I find is typical of geek communities.

"But Chris!" you scream, for some reason thinking my blog transmits sound, "Aren't you heavily involved in the church? Isn't that where you go to find kind and accepting people?" Hey, sorry to break it to you but actually the church is generally where I find the most negative and most judgmental people (I've mentioned this before). The church is meant for broken people looking for grace and broken people are often total jerks.

2. I need more intellectual stimulation.

 Let me be straight with you. I'm pretty smart. Not a genius by any means, but smart enough that I enjoy a little bit of a brain workout. With it's massive complexity and deep strategy Magic is basically a giant strategy logic puzzle. That is exactly the kind of brain workout I need.

Why am I not getting enough intellectual stimulation? Well, first of all I'm a youth pastor. I work with kids and the majority of my time I'm focusing on things appropriate to the intellect of an eight year old. How about when I'm not focused on work things? Well, I wish I could say other areas of my life were giving my brain something to do but since I basically do nothing but work, play video games, and hang out with my wife and cat there's not a whole lot of thinking I have to do. I mean, my wife is considerably smarter than me so our conversations are usually pretty fantastic but as my only source of intellectual stimulation it's just not enough.

3.  I need some things in my life that are un-stressful, don't matter, and are just fun.

So, I mentioned my job earlier. Let's be clear: my job is one of the best things in my life. I love my job. But as great as my job is at the moment it's not balanced by any sort of equivalent relaxation. I love video games considerably more than the average person but there's only so much gaming you can do to unwind before it all gets a little tedious. "All things in moderation" is the opposite of how I would describe my life at the moment. I have way too much of way too few things. I need some variety in my life. Mostly I just need something that completely doesn't matter.

Did I pick up all the kids for my programs on time? Did I keep enough control of the kids' behavior at programs? Did I prepare enough? That stuff matters! A lot! And it get's super stressful.

Did I win that Magic tournament? Did that booster pack have the cards I was hoping for? Is my deck flowing well? Does that stuff matter? Well, not really. Big picture none of that is a big deal. I can just have fun. I need that.

Also, a minor thing under this category is that I need things to write about. I miss blogging regularly but at the moment I have very little to write about. Not only do I have very little interesting to share but the stuff that is worth writing about is confidential or inappropriate to post publicly. As much as I would love the opportunity to write all my thoughts and feelings about the youth I work with that seems to me like a really quick way to ruin my ministry or get myself fired.

4. I'm a geek and I need to be with my people.

Coming as a surprise to absolutely no one I'd like to announce that I am a geek. I identify deeply with that subculture and I love spending time with people who share my interests. I'm really not doing that much right now.

My roots in nerd culture, particularly CCG culture, run deep. I started with Pokemon in the late '90's, moved on to Yugioh in my teens, and now I'm making the switch to Magic. I recently became deeply interested in reconnecting with these roots when I was reminded just how quickly and easily I once made friends in the gaming community. I made a Facebook status about it:

 I would regularly blog about these Tuesday Yugioh tournaments (the time I mention in the status and my first time at a tournament are of particular historical interest) and it was the highlight of my week. I'm really looking forward to having something like that in my life again.

A cool bit of Magic: The Gathering art to break of from the list

So anyway, that's where I'm at right now. It's been a while since I've written a life update type post. I guess this is as close as it's going to get for the time being.

At the beginning of 2014 I made a New Year's resolution to make new friends. I've put in very little effort and, of course, have seen very few results. I'm hoping this bit of enjoyable effort will change that.

P.S. Also, not sure what to get me for Christmas? Hint.

How I was the Kanye West of blogging--and then gave up.

Okay, if we're going to do this blog post together there are two facts we need to agree to before we can get started. First of all, I have given up on writing and being a writer. That's just where that's at right now. Secondly, I'm being ridiculous in this post. If you can't handle those two facts I suggest you turn back now. Starting this post with the above image is likely the least crazy things that's going to happen here.

So, lately I've been on a Kanye West kick. "Whaaaat?" you say, "You, the whitest white kid to ever not have any concept of rhythm has been listening to Ye?" Yes, yes I have. As someone who still thinks Yellowcard is great music getting into Kanye West is definitely out of character for me, but it's been super interesting. It was prompted by this Youtube video from Cracked.com that claims Kanye West is, in fact, the most important philosopher of the 21st century. It's well worth a watch.

Since my only experience with Kanye West came from his song "Power" being used in the fantastically compelling Saints Row: The Third trailer I decided to do a little research. I ended up at an AV Club article, "A beginner’s guide to the music of Kanye West" and after an afternoon of sampling his discography and reading all sorts of articles I came to a shocking conclusion--I am Kanye West.

Wait a second, let me explain. If I were to say that Kanye West and I can both be identified by our "emotional intensity, autobiographical intimacy, relentless self-focus, perfect fusion of beat and rhyme, goofy humor, labored pop-culture references, and ultimate air of triumph/self-actualization" you'd say I'm terrible at beat and rhyme. Granted. That bit aside, though, I think that quote from the AV Club is pretty compelling evidence for the fact that Kanye and I may be the same person.

You might still not be convinced. Let's say you've read my blog since it's inception as well as a wide selection of the writing I did in college. If that were the case you would remember I had a blog characterized by nearly uncomfortable levels of emotional honesty, so-bad-they're-good jokes, and regular shows of bravado displaying myself as the type of person who truly believes I'm the most awesome guy ever, creating confidence by displaying a self-confidence bordering on being straight up obnoxious.You would also be aware of the massive amount of writing I did that I turned in for grades that was largely just a collection of working through my own sexual and emotional issues as well as the nearly 150 pages of introspective memoir I wrote in my senior writing workshop.

Basically, what I'm saying is: "Doctors say I'm the illest/ 'cause I'm suffering from realness." Also, the persona I used to project, a persona I believed in even more than anybody else did, looked a heck of a lot like the music video for "Power."

Okay, so let's say for the sake of argument that you've accepted that I'm basically the Kanye West of writing. What happened? Kanye West keeps spitting it and pumping out new albums and yet I haven't produced a real piece of writing since April. This is where things get interesting.

Remember that "ultimate air of triumph/self-actualization" that used to be a thing in my life? Somewhere along the way I lost that confidence and went from a guy who blogs daily believing each post is gold to having trouble putting one word in front of the other without second guessing the entire thing. Somehow I went from believing that I was the best to believing I was the worst. Of course I mostly blame this on college and the way a lifestyle of constant critique took it's toll on me but that doesn't excuse the fact that two years after graduating I'm not even trying anymore.

I don't know how to take criticism is part of it. There aren't a lot of things I feel I'm really great at even those places I do feel confident I have trouble holding onto it. One thing I'm legitimately good at is video games. I don't care who you are, I legit believe I'll destroy you if we go head to head in my favorites games. This is probably why the last few pieces I've done that I felt best about were related to video games, particularly Payday 2 where I consider myself to be the king of stealth. Yet, I was recently considering getting into streaming my gaming on Twitch. Then I joined a public match in Payday and got called a noob. I just about flipped my desk, man. Just so mad. I just can't handle that crap anymore.

Regardless of where this insecurity and lack of confidence is coming from it's permeating all aspects of my life. I'm nervous about my job, which if I'm honest I'm freaking awesome at. I'm nervous about every conversation I have with people, though I know I'm smart and funny with an impeccable understanding of how people work.

But really, you and I both know what's happening here. I've got excuses left and right and it just needs to stop. I used to be Kanye West. I used to be so certain that I was awesome that I felt the need to tell everyone about it constantly. I don't think I've gotten any less awesome, I've just forgotten about it.I need to remember what I used to believe way before I even knew of Kanye West's existence: "Like ha, I ain’t no joke, I can’t be stopped, like nope, like nope! Only thing that can stop me is me, and I’ma stop."

Now to end this as ridiculously as it began, let me just say "that that don't kill me, can only make me stronger" so if I can get myself out of this stupid haze of insecurity I'm going to be even more epic than I ever was. Look out, yo.

How My Complex Relationships with The Church and Dota 2 are Eerily Similiar

The other night I was talking to my wife about the recent Rachel Held Evans blog post "How evangelicals won a culture war and lost a generation" and as I have so many times before I tried to explain my complex feelings towards the faith I have grown up in, loved deeply, and am now employed by. I was having a very difficult time trying to communicate my emotions (sometimes I am a stereotypical man) and so I turned, like I so often do, to video games.

Specifically, I turned to the aggravating free-to-play MOBA Dota 2. "You know how I feel about Dota?" I said, "That's a lot like how I feel about Christianity." I've given it quite a bit of thought and I've come to realize that my feelings for Dota and Christianity are similar in more ways than I would have thought.

1. They're not welcoming to noobs.

There is a welcoming phrase that players of Dota 2 joking use with new players. "Welcome to Dota, you suck." In fact, that's the name of probably the most famous guide to Dota. If you are new to the game you will be made to feel stupid and you will be told you suck. A lot. In fact, amongst the massive amounts of positive reviews of Dota the recurring complaint is always the difficulty of the learning curve and a community of players just unwilling to be understanding or helpful to those trying to learn.

In the church we're no quite so explicit in our lack of welcome, but it's definitely there. In the Dota community you are only welcome at a certain skill level, and in the church we seem to only welcome you at a certain sanctification level. "Welcome to church, heathen. Come back as soon as you have no sin or struggle in your life." In trying to guide people into becoming new creations we often make them feel as if they themselves are not welcome.

2. You have to learn a whole new language and culture just to function.

My first time playing Dota my teammate said he was being ganked. I had no idea what that meant. It sounded kind of profane. Was there something I'm supposed to do about it? Is there some anti-ganking potion I'm supposed to run over to him? I was so confused.

Now imagine someone with no experience with the church. The guy up front just said please stand for the doxology. What's a doxology? Was I supposed to bring my own or is it provided? Should I be pulling out my wallet again? Now what's this song everyone's singing? I'm so confused. It's not wrong to have our own language and culture, but it is a problem when that becomes a barrier that keeps people from feeling comfortable.

3. The community is judgmental and downright mean.

I lost terribly at my first few matches of Dota 2. Like, really really badly. In almost every match where I didn't play well my team tore me apart. There was name calling and threats. It was worse than anything I've experienced in any other game. That's mean and hurtful, but on some level I was willing to accept it because I knew I hadn't played well. But then even once I was playing better my teammates were judging my item purchase choices and yelling at me for every little thing I did differently than how they liked it. It wasn't that I was wrong, it was that I disagreed with them that made them attack me. What most astounded me about this is these people took their focus off of their own playing and stopped controlling their character so they could type out a mean and judgmental message to me. If they would just focus on their own game rather than trying to micromanage mine they would do a lot better and hurt my feelings a lot less.

Whether it's protests of gay marriage and birth control or just a subtle sense of judgement Christians give off a terrible aura of judgement. Honestly, no one knows this better than Christians themselves. A life in the church is a life of judgement, full of people afraid of their sins being exposed. Rather than eating with sinners like Jesus did, we leave the unsaved feeling as if we deem them unworthy to sit in our presence. What most kills me about this is that my faith is supposed to be between me and God and I should be too busy focusing on my own sanctification process to try to micromanage everyone else's. To take the time out of your day to focus on someone else and your judgement of them is hurting both of you.

4. There is no room for compromise.

When it comes to video games I would say I am definitely not a casual player. I play a LOT and I play pretty well. But I definitely wouldn't go so far as to call myself hardcore or pro or anything like that. The problem with Dota 2 is that to be accepted either you're hardcore and fit into the proper play styles or you're not welcome at all. If you don't play the character exactly as the wiki says you should people will hate you for it. God forbid Lion go jungle for a little bit or you make a move with any level of risk. You play the way other people tell you to play or they want you off the team.

Evangelical Christianity in the United States is largely politically conservative and ridiculously militant about it. The same problem that we see in Washington we are seeing in the church. The church will do whatever it takes to make a statement and make sure they get their way. The recent shameful example was the scandal with World Vision, an organization that does charitable child sponsorships. World Vision had changed their policy allowing for employees who were married to members of the same sex. Ten thousand dropped child sponsorships later and World Vision has reversed their decision. Ten thousand children are now without aid because Evangelicals wanted to make a political statement.

5. Getting comfortable is extremely difficult.

So you've gotten past your first few matches of Dota, learned the lingo, grown a thick skin, and decided how you're going to play. Are you comfortable? Probably not. It's not a bad thing necessarily, but this game is deeply complex. You have dozens of items and heroes still to learn as well as different strategies and counters and it's all just very overwhelming. Getting comfortable with something this complex takes time and patience, and not everyone is willing to invest that much.

So you've decided this Jesus guy is definitely worth being here for despite all the negatives. Now, what theology are you comfortable with? Which denomination will you be a part of? How exactly do you think baptism is supposed to be done? How old do you think the Earth is? Do you think any of this matters? Christianity is a grab bag of conflicting ideologies and convictions and finding exactly where you fit is a massive feat.

6. The purpose gets lost in the practice.

The purpose of Dota 2 is fun. It's a game. Seriously if you are playing a game and never having fun you are really wasting your time. So yes, Dota 2 should be about fun, but when people focus so much on being competitive they can suck the fun right out of the game and kind of defeat the purpose. People have jobs and bills and real life for stress. If your game is just another source of stress why would you keep playing it?

The purpose of the church is to love the world and share the salvation that comes through Christ. But when you focus so much on politics and "winning the culture war" you lose the love aspect. People don't see that we are a place for salvation, they see us as a place of judgement. If people want to be judged there are tons of places they can get that. But a place for unconditional love and spiritual healing, that is something special we could and should be offering. If your church doesn't make you feel loved why would you keep going?

7. Both make me want to rage quit.

For those who don't know, to "rage quit" is to leave a game in anger or frustration. Fun fact, Dota 2 is the only game in my life I have ever rage quit. I was new to the game and making a few costly mistakes and my teammates would not stop harassing me. They could have offered helpful advice or at least focused on their own game rather than making me feel so bad and being so insulting, but instead they just made me feel terrible. I don't like feeling terrible so I just left in the middle of the match. I've only done it the once, but the rudeness of my fellow players often just makes me so frustrated and angry that I want to leave the game for good, uninstall it from my computer, and never play it again.

I want to leave the church. That's just a fact. I want to never go back on a Sunday morning, never go to another Bible study, never speak to another Christian again. I'm done. I get so angry at the bigotry of my fellow believers and the terrible things they do and say in God's name. I'm tired of polarization and political dogmatism and ecumenical distrust. I'm exhausted by theological witch hunts and the constant feeling of impending judgement by the people I'm supposed to call brothers and sisters. I want to rage quit Christianity.

8. I still end up sticking with them despite it all. 

I've just given you seven reasons why Dota 2 is often not an enjoyable experience for me. But before I wrote this post I played 2 matches. The first one I lost and two of the guys on my team were mean about it. The second game I won (I'm actually pretty proud of how well I did) and the other team whined and were sore losers about it. I have no idea why I'm still playing Dota. I think on some level I enjoy the challenge and the gameplay is fun so I'm willing to put up with everything else. Also, I make an effort to be nice to other players and commend others who are kind. If no nice people are ever willing to play Dota then of course it will only be full of terrible people. But just because a lot of my fellow players are jerks doesn't mean I have to be or let them get to me. I can just stay for the fun.

This morning I planned my Sunday School and Jr. Church lessons for the week. In Jr. Church I will be teaching about when Jesus was arrested leading up to his death for us. I'm going to focus especially on how Jesus healed the ear of the servant Peter attacked with a sword because I want to drive home that our God is a God of love. That's why I'm willing to stay. By and large Christians are judgmental and bigoted, alienating and hurtful, and just plain hard to put up with. But I didn't come to the church for the Christians. I came for the Christ. Also, I love the church and I want to see it be better. I hope that I can display a different kind of Christianity, represent Christ rather than the people in the church. Things can only change if people who are willing to work at it stay. In my heart I know I need to be here, because if I don't try to make things better who will?

Why I'm Tired of Being Considered Selfish

This post originally appeared on the Tribal Living blog but I liked it so much I decided to post it here as well.

Hi there. I'm a millennial. I was born in 1990 and therefore fall dead center in our generation. I'm over-educated, underpaid, and I have smartphone. I like to think I'm a pretty good representation of what millennials have to offer.

I have a curve-ball to throw your way, though. I'm a millennial but, and hold on tight (perhaps you should sit down), I am not selfish.

Wait a minute. I'm supposed to only care about "Me Me Me?" I don't think I got the memo.

There are a lot of reasons why millennials get called selfish but there is one in particular I would like to talk about today. What has really been grating on me lately is just how often my ideas get labeled as selfish when I try to discuss ways I can be taken care of, or mention that I have needs at all.

Last year Jenny and I attended a Young Adult Forum to discuss how the church can better reach and interact with young adults. One of the things both of us feel very strongly about is the fact that in the church young adults are few and far between and there is very little effort on the part of the older leadership to give young adults opportunities for community, or even just spiritual sustenance. The church has a large focus on children and youth but the moment you hit 18 or graduate college suddenly there is nothing for you. There is a gap where those between 20-30 seem to have no place in the church, especially those who are unmarried or do not have children. This age group is often invited to volunteer for the church and to help minister, something most do gladly (myself included), but it is very rare for this age group to ever be intentionally ministered to.

As I said there is also very little opportunity for community. There's tons of kids activities where the kids of the church can get together and do kid things. Then there's "adult" church activities where I could go if I wanted to be the only person without any white in my hair and have my thoughts and opinions disregarded due to my age. We need some sort of a middle ground. One common concern is that my much more liberal generation is afraid of being judged and excluded by a much more conservative older generation like we have so many times before. We need safe space to talk with like minded people without being told that our ideas are bad and we are only considering anything so liberal because we lack life experience. In the polarized political climate of our country the church has done a terrible job at being welcoming to anybody not willing to believe that Christian and conservative or Republican are synonymous.

Example: If I were to say "perhaps religious groups should not be able to decide legal policy regarding marriage and reproductive rights for the general population. Maybe it's not our job to make sin illegal, but to focus on combating sin within our own lives." You are correct, older generations. Clearly these ideas will send me to hell.

When it comes to young adults and the church there are two major problems to be face: burn-out and lack of interest. Young adults are leaving the church in droves and some come back in their 30s, but not nearly enough for a sustainable church long-term.

On the one hand we have young adults who find nothing in the church worth staying for. They aren't interested. Either they feel it has no relevance to their life or they view the church as full of dogmatic and hateful hypocrites or they just don't feel they fit in. The church really needs to get it together when it comes to reaching out to this group. Right now the majority of my generation would probably fit in this group.

Then on the other hand you have those of us who are deeply committed to the church. We are youth pastors and volunteers, we teach classes, we lead programs, we give and we give and we give. Unlike much of our generation this group is willing to put up with all the downsides and take the good despite the bad. But this group is small and they are overworked and under cared for. This group is also leaving the church. This group is burning out. These young adults give and give out of love for God and whenever they try to express their own needs they are told they are being selfish. Eventually people run out of givingness. Eventually no level of commitment can withstand being worked without needs ever being met, without ever being spiritually fed. Eventually these people just can't take it anymore.

How dare I have needs of my own? How could I ever want to be spiritually fed? Dang I'm selfish.

What really kills me is when people try to use my faith against me. Sometimes I get so fed up with life in a faith where much of what I think or feel would be judged if I were honest about it. Sometimes I think about leaving the church because there's nothing worth staying for. I know the response to this is "you're just being selfish, Chris. You just want to leave because we're not pandering to you. You just want to be comfortable! You say there's nothing worth staying for? The point is Jesus. If you're not staying for him your faith sucks anyway." What's that you say? Jesus is the point? Maybe what I'm getting at here is that I'm not finding Jesus in the church. And without Christ what reason do I have to stay? Either make this a place where I can be nurtured in a relationship with Jesus or be prepared to lose me someday.

It comes down to the fact that the older generation isn't affected by the same negatives that I'm talking about. To them the church is fine. Just what they want. So I'm selfish to want anything other than the way things are.

It doesn't affect the people in charge so why should they care?

In the end what really gets to me is that I think trying to take care of myself is one of the most unselfish things I can do. I eat well, stay fit, and drive safe because I want to stay healthy because if I do my wife will be alone and that will be terrible. I take breaks and I get full nights of sleep so I will have the energy to give myself wholly to my job. Just like I need to eat healthy food and get enough sleep I also need enough spiritual sustenance. But I'm not getting it. Burn out is a very real concern in my life and I never want to reach a point where I don't think the church is worth staying with.

If I'm going to stick around and continue giving my all in service I need to have my needs met as well. I need to be cared for. I need to matter. And that's not selfish. That's just honest.

Video Games, Emotion, and XCOM

I like video games. If you don't know that we probably haven't spent much time together. I really, really like video games. I've written a little about video games in the past but after an experience I had last night I felt the need to jump back into writing about my pastime passion.

At the moment I do my gaming exclusively on my gaming PC (my most prized possession) and for the most part I buy and play my games through Steam. I play video games for a lot of reasons. I love the challenge of pitting myself against other players or clever AI. It feels good to overcome challenges and have an area of my life where I not only excel, but I am completely in control. I also love the thrill of swords and guns, battles and explosions and the overall epic feeling of being immersed in a video game world. But my favorite things that games can offer me is that ever illusive gift of story and emotion. Not just "dudebro, that was so epic! High five!" type emotion but the full range of human emotions experienced through the unique lens of interactive media.

This past week XCOM: Enemy Within came out and I have just been loving it. XCOM: EW is a fairly substantial expansion for XCOM: Enemy Unknown, one of my favorite games of all time. XCOM is a strategy game in which the player is the "commander" of the Extraterrestrial Combat Unit (or XCOM, get it?) and not only commands a squad of soldiers in battles against alien invaders but also builds a pretty cool base of operations while researching alien technology and upgrading the troops from basic soldiers in psychic super soldiers.

The basic premise of XCOM: Enemy Unknown is as follows:

I love it. I just think it's fantastic. Seriously, watch the trailer and try not to get excited. See? You can't do it. It's just too exciting. There's aliens and explosions and...ALIENEXPLOSIONS! What more do you need? Well, XCOM actually offers a lot more than just cool explosions. The story is solid. Not life changing, but enjoyable. The strategy is challenging, fun, and rewarding. But what really makes this game stand out is the way it gets you emotionally invested.

In XCOM your soldiers all have names. You only have so many of them and as you watch them grow and lead them in a variety of different missions you really begin to get attached. But then the unthinkable happens. Somebody dies.

XCOM has this concept they refer to as "permadeath." Permadeath is the idea that when one of your soldiers dies they are gone for good. Just like in real life. It doesn't matter how much you've leveled them up or invested in upgrades. Once they die all of that is lost. This really changes the way XCOM is play. This is not a game you can play recklessly. Otherwise people will die.

And that's where the emotions come in. XCOM is a game that makes me feel epic, yes, challenged too. But it also makes me feel sad. It makes me feel desperate and scared. It makes me feel responsible. XCOM makes me feel. It's an emotional experience. That's special.

What prompted me to write this post is the massacre that happened last night and emotions it stirred up in me. I started my current play-through on Tuesday of this week and I had been doing a pretty good job. I'd had a few scary moments, close calls where one wrong move could have killed one of my soldiers. But I always managed to pull it off without losing anyone. But then a call came in, a new mission. My people were called upon to deal with "a developing incident in Newfoundland, up the coast from St. John's. A fishing village has gone dark: reports from intel sources suggest alien involvement." Three out of my four primary squad members were unavailable. They were receiving gene modifications at the time. I figured I would be okay though. I could use my "secondaries," the back ups and people who filled in whenever thee was an injury. I didn't think this mission would be a big deal. I was wrong.

I went in with four soldiers. Then this happened:

Well that sucks.

Chrysallids, those purple bug like things, are arguably the most dangerous enemies in the entire game. They eviscerate your soldiers, killing them in a single move and implanting an egg within their corpse. This egg "zombifies" the corpse for a few turns before a brand new Chryssalid bursts out of the corpse. It's terrifying. At first I just saw three Chryssalids and through the careful use of a rocket launcher and coordinated shots from the rest of my squad I managed to take them all down before they could hurt anyone. But then as I climbed onto a beached whaling ship more and more Chryssalids kept charging at my troops. I bunched up the squad at the prow of the ship hoping that I could keep them alive if they hunkered down and took on the enemies one by one. My squad seemed to be doing okay for a few turns until they had to reload. Then the enemies were coming faster than they could reload and I knew if I didn't do something they would all die. The objective, a transponder for an airstrike, lay at the stern and I knew that if I could get my squad across the the infested ship they had a chance. I had the whole squad run a short distance and than turn and fire. Then one of them was cut down. I was upset but I knew I had to keep going. There was still hope for my other three soldiers. They ran, they fired. Then two more were cut down.

"Holy crap!" I said aloud, slamming my fist against my desk. "What wrong?" my wife said from where she was sitting on the couch.

"I, uh. Dang it, Jenny. I just lost three of my soldiers. I screwed up. They're dead."

"Okay Chris, well, I'm sorry to hear that."

Back in my game I had Lt. Miu 'Scotch' Matsumoto hit the transponder and take off running. That was when the screenshot above was taken. An army of Chryssalids were biting at her heels the entire way, but champ that she is Lt. Matsumoto made it to the extraction point and survived. She was the lone survivor of what I had expected to be a routine recon mission.

That's what makes XCOM special. I feel emotion because of this. Almost 24 hours later I'm still thinking about it, agonizing over what I could have done differently. Movies and books can make you feel emotion, but nothing else gives quite the same level of immersive and personal emotion that video games can. And that's what makes video games special. Video games that make you feel are video games done right.

Got a Bad Case of the Feelings

I've always despised the stereotype that men aren't supposed to feel emotions. I'm a man and I feel all sorts of emotions! You know, like, anger, frustration, hatred, um, punchiness. Well, maybe I'm bad at expressing myself emotionally with any variety. I'm not sure if that's a man thing or me thing but either way it sucks.

This is the general theme of this post

Lately I've had an attack of the feels. Bit by the emotion bug or something. I've got all these feelings that I wish I could make go away just by shooting things in video games. But no matter how much I binge that doesn't seem to help.

Probably the biggest thing I'm dealing with is a ton of insecurity. I mean, I feel insecure about pretty much everything. My job, my writing, my friendships, my faith. I'm convinced I'm the worst at all of it. I'm afraid I'm extraneous and not doing a good enough job at work. I'm afraid my writing is terrible. I'm afraid I'm a terrible friend who no one likes. I'm afraid I'm a terrible Christian.

The hardest adjustment for me has been doing a job I legitimately care about. Working in customer service or being a cashier I was ultimately going to work just so I could pay rent. It didn't matter if I didn't do a good job just as long as I got that paycheck. It was okay to just be "good enough." But now I care. I want to be better than just "good enough."

I'm afraid I suck at my job. I'm afraid someone else could do it much better. I'm afraid I'm not making a difference. If I'm not making a difference aren't I just a waste?

I'm also afraid of being judged. About everything. My writing sucks. Time and again I hear that reinforced. I mean, I can see it myself. Right now you are reading this and thinking, "this sucks."

I'm afraid you think I'm just being whiny. I'm afraid you think all these insecurities are true and I'm just in denial. I'm afraid you're one of the many people I interact with through work now also thinking I'm not that great in this position. I'm afraid you think I'm weak for feeling this way.

I'm afraid I'm a loser.

I'm afraid.

The fact that you are still reading at this point is both impressive and surprising

I'm also terribly lonely. "But Chris," you say, "aren't you happily married?" Why yes, I am. But anyone who said marriage eliminates loneliness was an awful liar. I honestly don't know what I'm looking for here. I mean, I have friends. Pretty much all of them are several states away, but they do still exist. There's just some level of connection missing from my life. I go to work, I go to church, I go home to my wife, I videochat with my friends. But I never hang out with friends in person. I have no buddies, I guess. No one to just waste time with.

I mean, Kurt Vonnegut always helps me out with explaining things. I'm going to massively cut down this quote from him, but click through for the full thing:

"What do men want? They want a lot of pals, and they wish people wouldn’t get so mad at them...It used to be that when a man and a woman got married, the bride got a lot more people to talk to about everything. The groom got a lot more pals to tell dumb jokes to...But most of us, if we get married nowadays, are just one more person for the other person. The groom gets one more pal, but it’s a woman. The woman gets one more person to talk to about everything, but it’s a man.  When a couple has an argument...What they’re really saying to each other, though, without realizing it, is this: “You are not enough people!”"

 I'm a very introverted person but I still miss the community of friends I used to have. Right now I have no one to tell dumb jokes to or share my life with besides my wife. And honestly, that's just not enough people. I'm lonely and I don't know what to do about it.

So, there's my whiny feelings for you. I am, of course, afraid that this post will make you hate me or some other annoying negative conclusion, but I think it's good for me to write again. I haven't really been writing about my life and I think that's not good for me. I want to make a few changes in my life. I want to be more transparent, less inhibited, more honest, more real, more me. I want to throw caution to the winds. This should be easy for me, but I’m so scared of consequences.

I would be surprised if I lost my job over anything I would write, but I could certainly lose the respect of several people. I'm afraid that by being a more transparent person people would think less of me. If I drop this image of a really quite put together person and admit that I am so very weak I think most people would look down on that. Humility is good, of course, but not if it means admitting imperfection or fear or, heaven forbid, doubt and hopelessness.

If you look back at my older, much older, blog posts you will see that I was incredibly whiny and annoying. But I was also almost indecently honest. Between my pride, my desire that people will think well of me, and my fear, my worry that people will think poorly of me, I feel paralyzed into only blogging about the good things in my life. I feel like only sharing triumphs and never mentioning defeats. I only feel safe mentioning praise reports, never prayer requests (to put it in Christianese.)

When I was a teenager with nothing to lose honesty was so easy.

But now that I do have so much to lose I find that for fear of losing it I never want to show any honesty at all.

I saw that comic and, man, I can't tell you how often I've thought of that. It's very Fight Club, I guess. "Its only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything."

The fact that I now have something to lose means that I've lost the freedom that comes from having nothing to lose.

One Year in Portland & My Adventures in Retail

Yesterday marks one year since Jenny and I moved to the beautiful city of Portland, Maine. Overall it has been a really good year. We moved here for Jenny's job at the Salvation Army's Divisional Headquarters and over the past year have really come to view Portland as home.

Though I am now quite happily living the dream in my job as a Youth Director at the Salvation Army I haven't always had it this good. We moved here for Jenny's job but I came into this city unemployed and desperate. My current job is the fifth I have worked this year. I bounced from temp, to seasonal, to sales, and finally retail before leaving for my current job. My retail job was probably the one I enjoyed the most, though each was it's own special kind of adventure. Today I'm in the mood to write about the adventure of working on retail.

I worked at CVS in downtown Portland. CVS is a great company to work for and I was blessed with a fun manager and a laid back team. The only real difficulty the job presented was in the customers. Maybe it was our location, or maybe every CVS is like this, but for some reason our store seemed to attract a very certain type of customer. It's a difficult type of person to describe without describing how they act. You know the kind of person who takes something off the shelf and then tries to return it because they "lost the receipt." It's the type of people who looks at the tabloid covers as if it's news. One week a tabloid ran a cover story claiming all sorts of new and bizarre sexual revelations about Bill Clinton. "Oh Billy," one customer remarked, "what have you gotten yourself into now?"

My biggest customer pet peeve (aside from the gentleman whose t-shirt literally had porn printed on it) were the ladies who view a bra as an extension, or even replacement, of their purse or wallet. I could easily identify these women through the iPhone peeking through the top of their shirt. A woman would come to the counter, plop down a couple sodas and reach down the front of her shirt and begin the inevitable search. You would think a bra would only allow storage for a few items, maybe a phone in one cup and a small wallet in the other, but these women seemed to store everything  from chapstick to coin purses in there. The worst part of this search would be the way that, inevitably, the longer the search took the further down the woman would have to pull the front of her shirt. Also frustrating is the fact that as a cashier there's not a whole lot of options while waiting for customers to find their money. You either look at the customers, look down at the counter, or you try to find some spot on the ceiling that might hold your interest. But part of good customer service is maintaining eye contact and staring off into space can be considered very rude. It's a very awkward situation to be stuck in.

The worst time was a particularly warm summer day when a large woman with a peach fuzzed upper lip dropped a couple of beers on the counter in front of me. "Umm, could I see your ID?" I asked, praying that her phone was the only thing stored under her shirt. My hopes were dashed as she plunged up to her forearm into her chest searching for ID. About thirty seconds of uncomfortable fumbling later she produced a state ID that did in fact confirm she was old enough to drink. I handed the ID back to her and once again her hand leaped into the abyss. Another long wait and she produced an EBT card. "Ma'am, I'm sorry, you can't use food stamps for alcohol purchases." I informed her. "Oh, right" she said and hesitated for a moment before using her other arm to search. Apparently one side was devoted to cards and the other to cash because a moment later she produced a damp $20 bill. She handed it to me. "This bill is wet," I thought. "She pulled this bill out of her boobs and it is wet and in my hand and I feel unbelievably uncomfortable right now." She looked in my eyes with a smug defiance as if daring me to show any discomfort on my face. I jabbed a finger at my register and waited the endless half second for it to open and the shoved the bill in as if it might bite me. I gave the woman her change, which was dry just the way I like it.

Ethical Marriage: A Year Without Bacon

"Tastes ethical!"

This was my wife's reaction a moment ago as she took a sip of some fair trade hot cocoa that I tracked down at our grocery store. Marriage is weird. Like super, super weird. If you're married you probably already know that. If you're not married it's probably pretty obvious from where you stand. I'm kind of dense, so I'm still very confused by a lot of the strangeness that is marriage. I've written about this type of thing before.

To me the most weird (I need to use that word less) part of marriage is how different two people are and yet how completely their lives and decisions become intertwined. For example, I suddenly can't just go to the grocery store and buy the cheapest of everything because that food isn't just for me and that money isn't just mine. Not only do I have to take my own preferences and thoughts into account with each decision, but also those of another person. And that is why I have not bought bacon for a year.

Let me repeat that for overly dramatic effect. I, Chris Clark, a manly man with hair on my face and chest, have not bought bacon, as in bacon bacon, for 1 whole year, 365 sad days. A year without one of my favorite artery cloggers. A year without the internet's favorite food.

Don't panic. It's okay. I have some bacon now and will be cooking it on Monday. What a relief! But why has it been so long since I had meat candy at my disposal for easy consumption? Simple.
 

So, my wife is what most people refer to as a "good person." I knew this when I married her. Heck, her kindness and passion for social justice were some of the things that I found so attractive. It's not that I'm a bad person, or that I don't also have a passion for social justice, it's mostly just that I really like food and really hate doing hard things.

Jenny and I have been completely switching to fair trade and ethically sourced foods. This is something that, in theory, I am very much in favor of. In college my good friend Gordon and I spent a considerable amount of time attempting to get our school to boycott Coca-Cola due to their many unethical practices, and to this day I avoid Coca-Cola products. But Jenny is taking things a little bit farther than just skipping a few unethical corporations. We're slowly eliminating everything unethical from our pantry and refrigerator.

This has meant largely cutting meat out of our diet, at least when Jenny cooks, as well as switching to fair trade coffee and chocolate. When it comes to fair trade that means I have much more limited options and that I can no longer buy brownie mix for brownies or chocolate chips with which to make cookies. I'm just thanking God that I finally found fair trade hot cocoa or else my life would have a sad lack of chocolate.

But today something beautiful happened. Portland has of the oldest farmers' markets in the nation and, in my opinion, one of the best. It's really great. You can get almost anything and it's all local and mostly organic and ethical and all that good stuff. So my wife, being the great person she is, loves shopping at the farmers market and we now buy our meat exclusively from our local farmers. It's more expensive, but it's nice to know we're not supporting factory farming. Jenny read Eating Animals this past year and has become completely committed to getting our animal products ethically. We mostly only use meat in my lasagna, which is just so good that we can't give it up. So aside from that one dish we've mostly been living a meatless life. Until now.

Today I tagged along to the farmers market. I normally stay at home and play video games (I buy all my games digitally via services such as Steam to avoid the slave labor production of physical discs and boxes. That's my halfhearted attempt to jump on the ethical bandwagon anyway.) But today I went along to pick up a bunch of veggies as well as a pound each of pork and beef. And then I saw it. As my wife bought a large bag of vegetables I wandered over to a cooler with a sign saying "Smokey Bacon." It was so beautiful. Local. Ethically sourced. Bacon. It's everything Jenny loves and everything I love all in one tasty, meaty package.

Now that package is sitting in our fridge waiting for me to eat it. Marital differences can be hard to reconcile, but when opportunities arise where there can be both compromise and bacon it's just too good to pass up.

Change '1962' to 'Hannaford' and '2011' to 'Farmers' Market' and you see why I sometimes struggle with getting ethically sourced food.

Reboot: Starting Fresh

I think it's time for a re-introduction.

Hi there. Nice to meet you. No really, the pleasure is all mine. My name is Chris and, as I'm sure you've guessed, this is my blog. My blog that, for numerous reasons, I have mostly abandoned. Until now. Rather than writing a post which is half apology and half whining about why I couldn't be bothered to keep blogging (which is an embarrassing number of the last 5 years of posts) I figured I should just start fresh. Let's put the last 7 or so years and 593 posts in the past and actually get back to writing.

So, back to that re-introduction. To the right you will notice the question "Who is Chris?" paired with my relatively snarky answer. If you ever forget who I am I would refer you there. In the meantime read this.

Kurt Vonnegut, my writing hero, says that in writing always "Start as close to the end as possible." So I will start as close to the end of this story as I conceivably can. Today. If I could start by telling you about tomorrow, or the real end of my story, the end end, I surely would. But I don't know the end so I can't tell it.

Today is August 21st, 2013. The sky over Portland is utterly clear. From my office window I face South towards Mt. Washington, which lies somewhere in the area where the blue turns into a vague off-white on the horizon. On my desk next to me lie four stacks of Sunday School material and a clipboard with a boardgames inventory on it. I'm a Youth Director as of just over a month ago. It is no exaggeration when I say this is my dream job. Youth Director is a vague job title to most people, even Christians, but it simply means I'm a youth pastor without any aspirations to becoming a fullfledged pastor.

It's easy to understand why I love my job when you break it down into it's core parts.

It's like we like each other or something equally gross

Things I love:
God, my faith, and The Salvation Army
Working with other people who love the above
Working and hanging out with children and youth
Playing games
Storytelling and teaching
Efficiency and organization

Things that are a part of "work":
See above list

Suffice it to say that I am very happy at this point in my life.

Work isn't the only part of my life. I'd be remiss if I were to leave out my wife. In introducing myself I must also mention her since she's sure to be mentioned in my writing a fair amount. My wife's name is Jenny and we were married June 9th, 2012, shortly after graduating together from Houghton College. She's a pretty cool person. She sells stuff on Etsy. I spend most of my time with her and our cat, Sneaky.

So, I mentioned we graduated from Houghton together. We also met there. I guess I should be pretty grateful to Houghton for that. Jenny majored in Intercultural Studies while I doubled in Writing and Psychology. I majored in writing intentionally. Psychology happened by accident when I realized just how few academic credits it took to complete a Writing major.

That brings me to the next point of introduction. I am a self-proclaimed writer. I don't know what people define as being a "writer" these days. Anybody can sit down and pound out some narcissistic blog post (just look at me!) but I think the term implies you're actually good at it. Or make money that way. Or something. So I guess to be fair I'm an "aspiring writer." Due to the low volume and quality of writing I actually produce I often think I'm more of a transpiring writer.

"Wow, you're awfully down on your writing!" you say, "But look at this blog post! This is the best thing I've ever read in my entire life!" Well, it's nice of you to say that. I'm sure it's true. At this point my view of college is that it gave me a wife and a wrecked sense of self-esteem regarding my writing and not much else. I don't have a lot of confidence in my writing at the moment, but I'll get there.

Anyway, I've saved a final piece of introduction for last because it's the least interesting bit. I love video games. I love them so much it hurts sometimes. Hurts my wallet mostly. This morning I woke up and saw that Origin had put Mass Effect 3 on sale. I've been waiting months hoping it would go on sale. So excited. To return to my point, I love video games. I play them a lot. If you also like video games we should play them together. I particularly want someone to play Planetside 2 with. Get in touch with me.

I think it's about time to wrap up this post. Just to jump off that last paragraph, here's a non-sequitur: let's be friends. I've been lamenting the fact that I have very few friends in the Portland area who I really spend time with. If you want to play video games: get in touch. If you want to go get bubble tea: get in touch. If you want to hang out: you get it.

Thanks for reading.

Edit: I'm also mostly inactive on Twitter! Check it out @KuriJaVaba