Why I'm Tired of Being Considered Selfish

This post originally appeared on the Tribal Living blog but I liked it so much I decided to post it here as well.

Hi there. I'm a millennial. I was born in 1990 and therefore fall dead center in our generation. I'm over-educated, underpaid, and I have smartphone. I like to think I'm a pretty good representation of what millennials have to offer.

I have a curve-ball to throw your way, though. I'm a millennial but, and hold on tight (perhaps you should sit down), I am not selfish.

Wait a minute. I'm supposed to only care about "Me Me Me?" I don't think I got the memo.

There are a lot of reasons why millennials get called selfish but there is one in particular I would like to talk about today. What has really been grating on me lately is just how often my ideas get labeled as selfish when I try to discuss ways I can be taken care of, or mention that I have needs at all.

Last year Jenny and I attended a Young Adult Forum to discuss how the church can better reach and interact with young adults. One of the things both of us feel very strongly about is the fact that in the church young adults are few and far between and there is very little effort on the part of the older leadership to give young adults opportunities for community, or even just spiritual sustenance. The church has a large focus on children and youth but the moment you hit 18 or graduate college suddenly there is nothing for you. There is a gap where those between 20-30 seem to have no place in the church, especially those who are unmarried or do not have children. This age group is often invited to volunteer for the church and to help minister, something most do gladly (myself included), but it is very rare for this age group to ever be intentionally ministered to.

As I said there is also very little opportunity for community. There's tons of kids activities where the kids of the church can get together and do kid things. Then there's "adult" church activities where I could go if I wanted to be the only person without any white in my hair and have my thoughts and opinions disregarded due to my age. We need some sort of a middle ground. One common concern is that my much more liberal generation is afraid of being judged and excluded by a much more conservative older generation like we have so many times before. We need safe space to talk with like minded people without being told that our ideas are bad and we are only considering anything so liberal because we lack life experience. In the polarized political climate of our country the church has done a terrible job at being welcoming to anybody not willing to believe that Christian and conservative or Republican are synonymous.

Example: If I were to say "perhaps religious groups should not be able to decide legal policy regarding marriage and reproductive rights for the general population. Maybe it's not our job to make sin illegal, but to focus on combating sin within our own lives." You are correct, older generations. Clearly these ideas will send me to hell.

When it comes to young adults and the church there are two major problems to be face: burn-out and lack of interest. Young adults are leaving the church in droves and some come back in their 30s, but not nearly enough for a sustainable church long-term.

On the one hand we have young adults who find nothing in the church worth staying for. They aren't interested. Either they feel it has no relevance to their life or they view the church as full of dogmatic and hateful hypocrites or they just don't feel they fit in. The church really needs to get it together when it comes to reaching out to this group. Right now the majority of my generation would probably fit in this group.

Then on the other hand you have those of us who are deeply committed to the church. We are youth pastors and volunteers, we teach classes, we lead programs, we give and we give and we give. Unlike much of our generation this group is willing to put up with all the downsides and take the good despite the bad. But this group is small and they are overworked and under cared for. This group is also leaving the church. This group is burning out. These young adults give and give out of love for God and whenever they try to express their own needs they are told they are being selfish. Eventually people run out of givingness. Eventually no level of commitment can withstand being worked without needs ever being met, without ever being spiritually fed. Eventually these people just can't take it anymore.

How dare I have needs of my own? How could I ever want to be spiritually fed? Dang I'm selfish.

What really kills me is when people try to use my faith against me. Sometimes I get so fed up with life in a faith where much of what I think or feel would be judged if I were honest about it. Sometimes I think about leaving the church because there's nothing worth staying for. I know the response to this is "you're just being selfish, Chris. You just want to leave because we're not pandering to you. You just want to be comfortable! You say there's nothing worth staying for? The point is Jesus. If you're not staying for him your faith sucks anyway." What's that you say? Jesus is the point? Maybe what I'm getting at here is that I'm not finding Jesus in the church. And without Christ what reason do I have to stay? Either make this a place where I can be nurtured in a relationship with Jesus or be prepared to lose me someday.

It comes down to the fact that the older generation isn't affected by the same negatives that I'm talking about. To them the church is fine. Just what they want. So I'm selfish to want anything other than the way things are.

It doesn't affect the people in charge so why should they care?

In the end what really gets to me is that I think trying to take care of myself is one of the most unselfish things I can do. I eat well, stay fit, and drive safe because I want to stay healthy because if I do my wife will be alone and that will be terrible. I take breaks and I get full nights of sleep so I will have the energy to give myself wholly to my job. Just like I need to eat healthy food and get enough sleep I also need enough spiritual sustenance. But I'm not getting it. Burn out is a very real concern in my life and I never want to reach a point where I don't think the church is worth staying with.

If I'm going to stick around and continue giving my all in service I need to have my needs met as well. I need to be cared for. I need to matter. And that's not selfish. That's just honest.