So, lately I've been on a Kanye West kick. "Whaaaat?" you say, "You, the whitest white kid to ever not have any concept of rhythm has been listening to Ye?" Yes, yes I have. As someone who still thinks Yellowcard is great music getting into Kanye West is definitely out of character for me, but it's been super interesting. It was prompted by this Youtube video from Cracked.com that claims Kanye West is, in fact, the most important philosopher of the 21st century. It's well worth a watch.
Since my only experience with Kanye West came from his song "Power" being used in the fantastically compelling Saints Row: The Third trailer I decided to do a little research. I ended up at an AV Club article, "A beginner’s guide to the music of Kanye West" and after an afternoon of sampling his discography and reading all sorts of articles I came to a shocking conclusion--I am Kanye West.
Wait a second, let me explain. If I were to say that Kanye West and I can both be identified by our "emotional intensity, autobiographical intimacy, relentless self-focus, perfect fusion of beat and rhyme, goofy humor, labored pop-culture references, and ultimate air of triumph/self-actualization" you'd say I'm terrible at beat and rhyme. Granted. That bit aside, though, I think that quote from the AV Club is pretty compelling evidence for the fact that Kanye and I may be the same person.
You might still not be convinced. Let's say you've read my blog since it's inception as well as a wide selection of the writing I did in college. If that were the case you would remember I had a blog characterized by nearly uncomfortable levels of emotional honesty, so-bad-they're-good jokes, and regular shows of bravado displaying myself as the type of person who truly believes I'm the most awesome guy ever, creating confidence by displaying a self-confidence bordering on being straight up obnoxious.You would also be aware of the massive amount of writing I did that I turned in for grades that was largely just a collection of working through my own sexual and emotional issues as well as the nearly 150 pages of introspective memoir I wrote in my senior writing workshop.
Basically, what I'm saying is: "Doctors say I'm the illest/ 'cause I'm suffering from realness." Also, the persona I used to project, a persona I believed in even more than anybody else did, looked a heck of a lot like the music video for "Power."
Okay, so let's say for the sake of argument that you've accepted that I'm basically the Kanye West of writing. What happened? Kanye West keeps spitting it and pumping out new albums and yet I haven't produced a real piece of writing since April. This is where things get interesting.
Remember that "ultimate air of triumph/self-actualization" that used to be a thing in my life? Somewhere along the way I lost that confidence and went from a guy who blogs daily believing each post is gold to having trouble putting one word in front of the other without second guessing the entire thing. Somehow I went from believing that I was the best to believing I was the worst. Of course I mostly blame this on college and the way a lifestyle of constant critique took it's toll on me but that doesn't excuse the fact that two years after graduating I'm not even trying anymore.
I don't know how to take criticism is part of it. There aren't a lot of things I feel I'm really great at even those places I do feel confident I have trouble holding onto it. One thing I'm legitimately good at is video games. I don't care who you are, I legit believe I'll destroy you if we go head to head in my favorites games. This is probably why the last few pieces I've done that I felt best about were related to video games, particularly Payday 2 where I consider myself to be the king of stealth. Yet, I was recently considering getting into streaming my gaming on Twitch. Then I joined a public match in Payday and got called a noob. I just about flipped my desk, man. Just so mad. I just can't handle that crap anymore.
Regardless of where this insecurity and lack of confidence is coming from it's permeating all aspects of my life. I'm nervous about my job, which if I'm honest I'm freaking awesome at. I'm nervous about every conversation I have with people, though I know I'm smart and funny with an impeccable understanding of how people work.
But really, you and I both know what's happening here. I've got excuses left and right and it just needs to stop. I used to be Kanye West. I used to be so certain that I was awesome that I felt the need to tell everyone about it constantly. I don't think I've gotten any less awesome, I've just forgotten about it.I need to remember what I used to believe way before I even knew of Kanye West's existence: "Like ha, I ain’t no joke, I can’t be stopped, like nope, like nope! Only thing that can stop me is me, and I’ma stop."
Now to end this as ridiculously as it began, let me just say "that that don't kill me, can only make me stronger" so if I can get myself out of this stupid haze of insecurity I'm going to be even more epic than I ever was. Look out, yo.
