ugh...why does life have to be so...life!?!

ok, this is annoying now. a sick day can be good at the right time, but i've been sick since sunday and i'm basically sick of being sick!! being sick is good when it lets you dodge responsibility and get out of things you don't want to do, but being sick when it causes you to miss things you were looking forward to and makes you have trouble getting your work done then it's very inconvient. so i better be all better tommorow, tommorow i have youth group to lead, and i can't do that without a clear head. i have already told you guys this and i hate to keep saying it, but i am depressed, i'm sick of winter, i need a break from life. i know what i need! i need to hibernate!! yeah!! only problem is that i'd hibernate for a few hours, get bored and wake up, that's the problem with being human. why can't i be a big bear, that would be so cool. i could go up to tourists in a park and go "GRRRRRR!!! I'M A BEAR!!!" and they'd all be like "AHHH!! A BEAR!! CALL THE PARK RANGER, LET'S SHOOT IT!!" and then i would have no option except to say "ahh crud..." and make a run for it and become a fugitive bear, on the run from the feared government agents know only as...park rangers!! but anyway, so i'm all depressed and because i'm so stupid i make myself more depressed by listening to semi-depressing music. now let me explain my music, i have music for every mood, it works like this : angry=linkin park happy=relient k depressed=yellow card really hyper and energy=skillet and for those moods when i just feel...odd i break out my good old eiffel 65 CD and sing "i'm blue da ba dee da ba die, da ba dee, da ba die..." and so on. so last night i was getting myself all depressed, which of course was not smart, and i started thinking about the fact that i have no friends...wait a minute, that's not true! for some reason whenever i'm depressed i feel that i have no friends, and the logical part of my brain and whatever the heck part is the depressed part seem to have a conversation that goes something like this:

logic-of course you have friends stupid, what makes you think that you don't?
depressed-i dunno, i just feel so alone...i'm singing "...even though your next to me i still feel so alone..." along with yellow card and getting so depressed...
logic-well snap out of, of course you have friends, there's...you know...that person...
depressed-SEE!! even you can't think of anyone!!
logic-yes i can! do you really want me to start naming?
depressed-go for it!
logic-well there's anneli, evelin, eero, anton...do you want me to keep going?
depressed-but none of them live anywhere near me...
logic-well then, you want closer? theres maret, liis, jaanika, sigrit...everyone from youth group! come on!!
depressed-but do you notice something? they're all girls. only half speak english, and only half those that speak english speak to me!!
logic-guess i didn't think of that! *poof*
depressed-no, you didn't! *poof*

and they both dissapear in little "poofs", logic soundly defeated, running with it's tail between it's legs, while depressed wallows in misery. not much fun there. i'm just so tired of the world. i hate this feeling, i feel there is something that i really wanna get rid of, something really bugging me, but i can't figure out what it is!! and then there's also something that i desperately want and need but, again the same problem, what is it? i'll figure something out...but you want to hear the worst thing? being all depressed is stealing the one thing that usually helps me kill any depression, i'm getting tired of my video games. seriously, you can only kill about 1000 people before it gets old. in one of my favorite games (star wars:battlefront II) which i only got a little over a month and a half ago i have already killed 4548 times, and only been shot down 674 times, whihc may sound extreme, but it's not really. so despite the fact that i have great skill at playing video games, and usually take large amounts of joy from playing them, they are just getting...old. i need something new. not like a new game (not that that's a bad idea) i just need something...anythin. i keep thinking about the beatle's song "help" you it goes: "Help, i need somebody. help, not just anybody..." urgh, life is just so...so...life!!! what i think might be bugging me is i have no one to talk to, i mean i have my parents but sometimes you just don't want to talk to your parents. especially since most of the time rather than making me feel better they just make me feel like it's my fault. no fault of theirs of course. but i just feel like i need someone to talk to, and either i don't know anyone well enough, or they live to far away, or they obviously find the dog junk on the bottom of thier shoe much more interesting than me, or there is one person who i know would love to talk to me but i'm constantly going to great pains to avoid her so that doesn't help. i just feel trapped in...everything. i'm trapped in estonia. i'm trapped in this house. i'm trapped in this city. i'm trapped in my room. i'm trapped with my family. i'm trapped in the cold, evil harshness of winter. i'm trapped in my own head. and so just sit, listening to yellow card, feeling depressed. here's some good lines from the song "back home" from yellow card, most of the song doesn't apply to me to me but these 2 lines do : "sometimes i need someone to say 'you'll be alright, what's on your mind?" and then there's

"Back home [i guess for me you could say that's america]
I always thought I wanted so much more [in america i always wanted this, that and the other, there were always new games and things that i wanted, but now...]
Now I'm not too sure
Cause sometimes
I miss knowing somone's there for me [i know there's people here for me in estonia but sometimes it doesn't feel like it...]
And feeling free..." [and i never feel free in the winter, in the summer i can go anywhere, do anything, but in the winter...man i hate it]

so anyway, there you have yet another erraticly depressing blog post, i just need to make it to april...if i can can survive until april then the sun will return...man i hope april hurries up!! ok everyone, i have got to go now, bye!