Happy Birthday Elizabeth!

It's my sister Elizabeth's 13th birthday today! Can you believe that? It's insane! 13? What a scary big number! She's a teenager! NOOOO!!!! But anyway, I love you Elizabeth, and I hope you have a very hapy birthday! I'm totally tagging you in this once it imports to FaceBook! Love you!

I think I should write a book! "Girls, the reason for existence! Plus, 10 reasons why I love girls."

Okay, so I'm not really writing a book. But if I'm supposed to write what I know then it would something like that. Because if there's one thing I know, it's wonderful, beautiful, amazing girls! But I'm sure that if you've read my blog at all, or if you know me, you've already heard my loving rants about girls. So I'll just leave you with this comic. Non Sequiter has been really good lately!

Oh, to be a writer...

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging much. I've actually started working now, and am actually busy doing worthwhile things. But I think I could squeeze in a new post every now and then. I'd really like to. But anyway, being a writing major I really enjoyed this. Because I've had writer's block and found that the best cure is a break. We have beautiful snow here right now, and a good snow ball fight cures writer's block. But for now, I have different type of writer's block, and that is that I'm blocked from writing here because I need to write somewhere else. So I'm sorry, Cya! I'll write later! Really!

It’s hard to be the one with nothing…

I have a problem. And so do you now, because this post is pure complaining. So you probably shouldn’t read it. It’s just going to be me whining and moaning. I have a problem. I’m failing. I’m at Houghton College. And I’m failing. I don’t know what to do. Not true actually. I do know what to do. But I can’t. My greatest, or only, strength is also my greatest weakness. I look over my life and I look for places where I excel, where I do better, where I am worth something. Where I don’t fail. And that’s social life. I can make friends so easily. And I can have fun so easily. And I can enjoy it, and do well at it. But other than that I have nothing. I don’t music skill. I don’t have computer skills. I don’t have any sort of skill that’s useful in the workplace. And I most DEFINITELY don’t have any academic skill! I basically suck. I sound really emo and stupid right now, but I’m serious. I have nothing. So what should I do? I know. I should study hard. I should make this work. And I could! I know I could! That’s what makes this more frustrating! I know I could, but wouldn’t. I’m super-social. Pathologically so. I simply can’t not be social. I need it. And it means I get nothing done. And if I do work up the self-control to dump social stuff social stuff finds me. And I can’t say no. I’m having the time off my life here at Houghton…and I’m failing. I can’t exist like this. And I don’t know what to do. I’m trapped in myself. I don’t have the self control to change myself, and I’d much rather not change anyway. But I can’t fail. I can’t take the shame. I can’t take hating myself. But I don’t know what to do. I’m just stuck. And so now I’m fussing about it on my blog, and it will be imported to FaceBook, and everyone will read it and be all like, “No Chris, you’re not stupid. You’re not worthless. Bla bla bla.” Which will be nice in small way, but doesn’t fix anything. I’m still trapped. And I’m still failing. Why am I this way? Why am I my own worst enemy? I’m sick of it! But I can’t do anything else. I’m completely and deeply stuck. I don’t want to be stupid. But I am. And what makes it hardest is that I’m stupid by choice. Because I love people about a million times more than schoolwork. Whatever.

I’m sorry for fussing. I go forever with blogging and then when I finally do blog I’m just complaining about what an idiot I am. Yeah, I basically suck like that. I really don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to cry. Which is the stupidest thing I could say, but it’s true. I just want to scream, and punch, and run. And let out this immense frustration. But it wouldn’t fix much. So I let out with blogging. I hate reality. Realistic? Realistic? Why should I be realistic? Is reality there? Do I need to deal with it? I guess so…But I’d rather not. I can’t take this. I hate being a failure. But I am. And I don’t see a fix. Someday when I look back on my life, what will I see? Because today I see a failure. In a way I feel like King Midas. I can turn things to gold, I can make friendships, I can enjoy life. That’s gold. But what good does it do me if I can’t eat? And by eat I mean succeed where it matters. I’m trapped. And so I send out this whiny blog post which will make everyone pity and scorn me, and I will just sit and feel stupid again. What crap. I can make people love me and care about me, but I can’t do anything worthwhile with me life. The unbalance is sickening and saddening. I don’t know…what…to…do. So now I’ll post this, take some Tylenol for my headache, and go to work and put on my happy voice on the phone and try to get it done with fast. Then I’ll…Not know what I’m doing next. I could write one of the two papers due this week, or I could studying for the test tomorrow. But I’d probably just screw all that up, so whatever. I’ll get it done. And I’ll do my best. And my best will suck. Thus is my life. Anyway, I’m going now. Please don’t really worry about me. I’m not suicidal, I’m not seriously depressed. I just feel upset with myself and empty of anything good. It’ll come back though. I’ll probably still be failing, but I’ll get back an optimistic outlook eventually. And maybe I’ll even figure out a way of not failing. We’ll see. Cya.