I have a problem. And so do you now, because this post is pure complaining. So you probably shouldn’t read it. It’s just going to be me whining and moaning. I have a problem. I’m failing. I’m at Houghton College. And I’m failing. I don’t know what to do. Not true actually. I do know what to do. But I can’t. My greatest, or only, strength is also my greatest weakness. I look over my life and I look for places where I excel, where I do better, where I am worth something. Where I don’t fail. And that’s social life. I can make friends so easily. And I can have fun so easily. And I can enjoy it, and do well at it. But other than that I have nothing. I don’t music skill. I don’t have computer skills. I don’t have any sort of skill that’s useful in the workplace. And I most DEFINITELY don’t have any academic skill! I basically suck. I sound really emo and stupid right now, but I’m serious. I have nothing. So what should I do? I know. I should study hard. I should make this work. And I could! I know I could! That’s what makes this more frustrating! I know I could, but wouldn’t. I’m super-social. Pathologically so. I simply can’t not be social. I need it. And it means I get nothing done. And if I do work up the self-control to dump social stuff social stuff finds me. And I can’t say no. I’m having the time off my life here at Houghton…and I’m failing. I can’t exist like this. And I don’t know what to do. I’m trapped in myself. I don’t have the self control to change myself, and I’d much rather not change anyway. But I can’t fail. I can’t take the shame. I can’t take hating myself. But I don’t know what to do. I’m just stuck. And so now I’m fussing about it on my blog, and it will be imported to FaceBook, and everyone will read it and be all like, “No Chris, you’re not stupid. You’re not worthless. Bla bla bla.” Which will be nice in small way, but doesn’t fix anything. I’m still trapped. And I’m still failing. Why am I this way? Why am I my own worst enemy? I’m sick of it! But I can’t do anything else. I’m completely and deeply stuck. I don’t want to be stupid. But I am. And what makes it hardest is that I’m stupid by choice. Because I love people about a million times more than schoolwork. Whatever.
I’m sorry for fussing. I go forever with blogging and then when I finally do blog I’m just complaining about what an idiot I am. Yeah, I basically suck like that. I really don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to cry. Which is the stupidest thing I could say, but it’s true. I just want to scream, and punch, and run. And let out this immense frustration. But it wouldn’t fix much. So I let out with blogging. I hate reality. Realistic? Realistic? Why should I be realistic? Is reality there? Do I need to deal with it? I guess so…But I’d rather not. I can’t take this. I hate being a failure. But I am. And I don’t see a fix. Someday when I look back on my life, what will I see? Because today I see a failure. In a way I feel like King Midas. I can turn things to gold, I can make friendships, I can enjoy life. That’s gold. But what good does it do me if I can’t eat? And by eat I mean succeed where it matters. I’m trapped. And so I send out this whiny blog post which will make everyone pity and scorn me, and I will just sit and feel stupid again. What crap. I can make people love me and care about me, but I can’t do anything worthwhile with me life. The unbalance is sickening and saddening. I don’t know…what…to…do. So now I’ll post this, take some Tylenol for my headache, and go to work and put on my happy voice on the phone and try to get it done with fast. Then I’ll…Not know what I’m doing next. I could write one of the two papers due this week, or I could studying for the test tomorrow. But I’d probably just screw all that up, so whatever. I’ll get it done. And I’ll do my best. And my best will suck. Thus is my life. Anyway, I’m going now. Please don’t really worry about me. I’m not suicidal, I’m not seriously depressed. I just feel upset with myself and empty of anything good. It’ll come back though. I’ll probably still be failing, but I’ll get back an optimistic outlook eventually. And maybe I’ll even figure out a way of not failing. We’ll see. Cya.
6 comments:
Dear Chris, I love you so much and I want to say the right thing that will really help. In short: life is all about balance. Enjoy the friends, but also sacrifice time each day to get the school work and studying done. It IS worth is. I love you with all of my heart, and miss you like crazy. I am ALWAYS proud of you. xoxoxoxo your great Auntie MK
I can't believe how selfish you are. Try looking at the good stuff you got. You're studying a subject you wanted to study at a very good American University, you've got a job, and seemingly many friends. So what's so bad about that? Apart from your obvious lak of self control. And talking about it makes you look like a complete idiot. God gave you a mission as you say and a purpose and now you are saying that He didn't make you smart enough? This blog post is long and there is no real reason you should have written it if you already say that you didn't ask for people saying "you're not worthless" or whatever. You could have written one of your essays instead. And somehow I know you're not gonna let this comment be shown on your blog but I have to say that you are well off and I think you should get a grip.
Chris, I know that transitioning from a homeschool environment to a school environment is really difficult. But I have faith that you'll be able to manage it somehow. Talk to your professors or an academic adviser or something and see if you can find a good way to study. Or try studying in the library, in a quiet corner where your friends won't be around. If you put aside the time to study each day, you should be able to do well in college. And I agree with that other poster; if God has a mission for you, I'm sure that He would give you the ability to succeed. Just work hard at it.
"Try looking at the good stuff you got. You're studying a subject you wanted to study at a very good American University, you've got a job, and seemingly many friends."
Unfortunately, this poster's good point was hidden amongst the negative. But please don't overlook it.
Count your blessings, blah blah blah. :-)
Love,
Mama
OMG I CANT BELIEVE IM READING THIS..THe chris i know is not a quitter, what is there to complain you got into university, everything is in your hands!!!!!
IF YOU ARE SOCIAL, YOU CAN GET A JOB BECAUSE SOCIAL PEOPLE ARE WILLING TO COMMUNICATE AND LEARN ANY JOB THAT WAY, BELIEVE ME I WOULD KNOW!!!!
Take the matter in your hands...u know whats ur problem???
YOU HAVE NO DAILY DICIPLINE...i know u re having alot of fun with your friends....but believe me..in 4 years ull look back and say, you know what, instead of lazying my butt off i could of studyied a little more and acomplish something!!!
SET A DAY SCEDULE...IF UR SCEDULE SAYS STUDY AT 6 PM THEN DO SO, FORCE URSELF!!!
You think i have alot?
ALl i ahev is friends and a job...
Im beeing lazy too by putting off applyin for university, but god , CHRIS U RE IN ONE...DO SOMETHING ABOUT It..believe me it will feel good...i regret soo many things in my life, dont make urself regret....Ur an amazing writer, and at this uni u have an opportunity of your life to become a very good writer, you just have to dicipline ur day more...
The Chris i know will find a way :D
I was thinking the same thing as Erika, about you being a writer.
"My greatest, or only, strength is also my greatest weakness. I look over my life and I look for places where I excel, where I do better, where I am worth something. Where I don’t fail."
And that's WRITING!
"But other than that I have nothing. I don’t music skill. I don’t have computer skills. I don’t have any sort of skill that’s useful in the workplace. And I most DEFINITELY don’t have any academic skill!"
You have the skill of writing, and that's nothing to shake a stick at!
You don't know how many people just stare at a blank piece of paper (or screen!) and can't think of a thing to write! Or when they do write, it's not something that anyone would want to read!
I think you should add blogging to your daily schedule, because it's good for you (to process things), good for us to hear from you, and good for your CRAFT! Writing is an art, a skill, a craft. I'm SO GLAD you've become a Writing Major now!
Love,
Mama
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