Saturday, July 25, 2009

My struggle

Sometimes I struggle with what seems the two realities in which I live. On the one hand I have the seeming “real” world. I have the laptop I’m typing on write now. I have my college education and textbooks that need to be paid. I have a life after college that needs to be figured out and planned for. On the other hand I have what might be called the “spiritual” world. I have my commitment to God. I have my desire to follow his calling. I have my faith that He will provide for my future. I feel like I have a great struggle between these two realities. I feel like I want to fully give myself to one or the other, but just can’t. Sometimes when I’m on FaceBook I browse the profiles of old friends, acquaintances, and crushes. Yes, I am that creepy. I see things on their profiles that make me think two things, both “there is a person enjoying their life!” and “there is somebody who has fallen away from God/never known Him at all.” I look at these people, and on the one hand I look at my life and I see how boring it is. When do I go to crazy parties? When do I have wild sex? When do I make out with beautiful women? When do I live selfishly and just enjoy life? On the other have I look at these people and I look at my life and I see how fulfilled my life should be. I have good friends that help me to live a good life. I have a wonderful and loving girlfriend who, even though we don’t have sex or even kiss, is amazingly caring and who I can talk to about absolutely anything. I see the way God takes care of me in little ways all the time, from just having safe travels to having the ability to go to a good college without a fear of too large a debt.

When I look over that last paragraph I just have one thought, one way of describing myself. I am a terrible ingrate. I have a wonderful life, not by my own doing by any means, but just because God loves me. Yet I don’t know what causes this ingratitude and this terrible struggle of discontentment. Maybe I’m just an ungrateful person, but I’d like to think not. I think sometimes, maybe most of the time, I focus far too much on what many would call the “real” world. I focus on the present. I focus on myself. I focus on what I can touch and feel and enjoy. Life is so much bigger than that. It’s terribly frustrating. I need a better focus. I need to look at what’s real, what’s important. But somehow I just can’t. I can’t see beyond today to see myself in three years, knowing that the struggles of today are worth it. I can’t see through to myself when I am truly a man, having found my calling and purpose. I can’t see through to myself when I am married. I can’t see through to the big picture, and it’s so frustrating. I know there’s a big picture, I know life is bigger than what I can see right now. It’s just that I don’t see it right now.

2nd Corinthians 4:17 and 18 say: “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” I know that this is true. It’s just so hard to truly live it in the day to day. What I see is temporary, but it’s all I see. What is unseen is eternal, but I don’t see that at all. Life is hard. But God is strong. I just need faith.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I enjoed reading your latest entried, but this last entry moved me deeply, touched my soul. Good joy Tolstoy. I love you nephew. wish i could go to the park with you and P. xoxo auntie mk