For all my fellow MKs

hey, i don't have much in my life to blog about so i'm gonna blog about a song, again. i call this song the MK (missionary kid) song, but it describes the characteristics of so many MKs. but also this is more my theme song, it describes my whole life. becuase wanna hear a fun fact? i've necer lived in one state for more than 3 1/2 years, people ask me where i'm from and i say "east coast". i have no home, i have no where i belong, and therefore, this is my song. this song is linkin park, somewhere i belong. please note: the words in italic are my comments.




When this began
I had nothing to say and I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
this is exactly how i felt when i was at MTI for missionary training, i hated it.
And I let it all out to find
That I'm not the only with all these things in mind
through my experience in estonia (and especially my time with the beautiful wittenberg girls, i dedicate this blog post to you) i have learned i'm not the only one who feels like this.
(Inside of me)
But all the vacancy the words reaveled
Is the only thing I've got left to feel
it feels like all you can feel is a vacancy, an emptyness. a blankness of words.
(nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
i remember days lieing on my bed in our apartment feeling so alone, so empty, and so stuck. just thinking "i've gone too far to turn back now..."
And the fault is my own
And the fault is my own
so many times i would think to my self, "i could have stopped it somehow, i could have figured out some way to stop our coming here, but i didn't".

I want to heal
I want to feel
What I thought was never real
the pain of the separation of going to a new country and leaving you home behind is huge. and for me personally i want to feel something i never thought was real, a place that truly and completely felt like MY home.
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long
(Erase all the pain til it's gone)
again, there so much pain from leaving home that takes so long to let go of, it took me months.
I want to heal
I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
home is real.
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
in my life that is my mission, to find where i belong.

and I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall Right down on my face
i think i did fall down a few times when i first came here and wasn't used to the threshholds.
(I was confused)
Looking eberywhere
Only to find that it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
i remember stepping into the terminal at the airport and hoping to see a crowd of horribly attractive estonian chicks. i saw no one, the people coming to meeting us where late. that definitely wasn't what i had imagined. but no worries, the attractive chicks came later, and now they still don't leave me alone.
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
Cause I can't justify the way everyone is looking at me
these lines have a few meanings to me, becuase i was so negative when i first came, there was no positive. and everybody stared, everybody. and i felt pretty negative about staring at first, now i enjoy it.
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
this isn't quite true, i felt i had so much to lose, first impressions are important, and i didn't make good ones. and i felt that there was nothing to be gained, i would just have to survive three years of agony. but a wonderful young estonian dancer changed my mind about that! ;) (you know what i'm talking about sarah)
And the fault is my own
And the fault is my own
and a repeat, i felt it was my fault for not stopping it.

(Chorus)

I will never know myself
Until I do this on my own
through figuring out life for myself here in estonia, i have come to truly know myself, not know the video game drugged thing i was, but what i am, ME!
And I will never feel anything else
Until my wounds are healed
i didn't feel much of anything but a crazy blur until i started to heal from the pain of leaving america, and then i felt something new, i started to enjoy it!
I will never be anything
`Til I break away from me
And I will break away
I'll find myself today
that was what i did, broke away from the old, depressed, nothing me that was, and found the new confident me that is.

(Chorus)

The End

so what did you think? do you think i listen to to much depressing music? this song doesn't make me depressed, it makes me happy, becuase it reminds me, i feel i belong here, in estonia, more than anywhere else. having 2 teens and 2 of our homeless friends come to church on sunday reminded me of that. and doing mission team trips reminds me of that. and i just got off the phone with my good friends anneli and evelin in tallinn, and they reminded me of that. now i'm gonna go to sleep, i'm tired. and by the, wanna hear the freakiest change of all? i atually haven't listened to evanescence or relient k in like a week, i've been listen to...dare i say it? techno! trance! DJ stuff! they've converted me to european music, i don't know how they did it, but oh well. good-bye.

balla da li di li di la........sha lalala european music is taking over the world.....