Sunday, January 13, 2008

As I wade through the infinite darkness...

You get a least one of these posts from me every winter. A stir crazy, cabin fevered, sun deprived madman takes over my mind with his stir crazy, cabin feverish, sun desiring powers of mind control. Then he sits down and writes a post with a title like “As I wade through the infinite darkness…” that makes people wonder if I’m depressed, or sick, or demon possessed, or being controlled by a madman with stir crazed, cabin feverishly, sun deprived powers of mind control. I assure you that I am only being controlled by a stir crazy…you know the rest, madman. Nothing to be worried about. Especially because this madman inhabits my body, shares my name, identity and personality, and is only released during the dark Estonian winter months, and then only to complain, nothing more. So now here he goes. I’ll put everything he says in quotation marks so you know it’s him speaking and not me blaming my complaints on an obvious fictitious caricature of my stir crazy, cabin fever afflicted, sun deprived self.

“I hate it when it’s so dark and cold outside! Even if it were light it would be too cold to go out, and even if it were warm it be too dark to do anything!”
But we all love how beautiful the snow looks, so white and pure and…
“SNOW? What the heck are you talking about?! The snow melted, so now it’s cold and dark and rainy and slushy…and the snow only stays white for like 3 seconds before a dog craps in it anyway!”
But think about snow ball fights with friends and…well, um…you get to wear a nice coat in the winter! And cool black boots too! Can’t beat those boots!
“Snow ball fights? With all that yellow, brown and rainbow snow? YUCK! And plus right now it would be more like a slush ball fight. Or a gravel-and-ice ball fight. And that’s no fun. And don’t even get me started on the coat. It’s taken you three years to find a coat that DOESN’T make you look like a over grown and badly burnt marshmallow, and though the one you have now is great, wearing any coat makes carrying a bag a pain…”
Bla bla bla…He just goes on and on…
“…and then when you’re inside unless you can find a place to put your coat then you steam yourself to death. And then if you do have a place to put your coat you have to make sure it’s safe because if it gets stolen you’ll freeze…”
Though the person who wants to steal it will freeze without it too…
“Survival of the fittest, idiot!”
Survival of the fittest idiot? You win.
“Shut up. But at least we can agree on one thing.”
What’s that? To disagree?
“No. The boots rock.”
Agreed. They’re all big and black…
“…heavy and strong…”
…with steel toes…
“…like the boots the rebels wear in ‘The Empire Strikes Back’ in the battle on Hoth…”
The boots are awesome.
“Awesome boots.”
so…is that it?
“No! Because it’s so dark and depressing! And cold, and you can’t do anything, and you can’t leave the house, and you never see the sun, and you start using too many commas, and start talking to yourself, and blaming your complaints on fictitious caricatures, and thinking that winter will never end, and wanting to run outside naked, and…
”Wait, wait, wait. Run outside naked?
“Well, because you’ve been inside so much you want to be outside…and since you’re always wearing so many clothes to keep warm you want to wear as little as possible…”
But run outside naked?! Dude, we need to get you some serious help. Maybe you should exercise or go to the library or run WITH clothes on or…
“I’ve got a better idea.”
What? Will it get us out of the house?
Sweet. Will it get us some movement and exercise?
Awesome! Will it get us some sunshine?
“Uh, no.”
Curse you…
“I was thinking we could stop blogging and go out with some chicks. And Evelin is blond so maybe she’ll reflect some sunshine and…”
Shut up, just shut up. Let’s put on our cool boots and get out of here.
“Rockin’. Let’s go”

Wow, that was weird. Now I need to go meet up with Evelin…so, Cya


Erica said...

LoL, you giv me jokes Chris.

xoxox God Bless

lux said...

that was a very entertaining read... i loved it... mind you, if a psychologist read your blog... they may think that there is something wrong with you, and want you admitted to a psyc ward...start counseling you... and give you meds....
Anyway love ya mate,