I am so radical!

Well I just had one of those revelations again...

Wow, it's been a while. But because I'm babysitting and have been for hours I've gotten one of those revelations I only get when extremely bored. I want to look just like that! You see that dude with the long black hair, the creepy black eye shadow, and awesome black microphone? That could be me! I've got the dark hair, kind of. Not that dark. But if I grew it out and stuck it in a bucket of black nail polish everyday...And I have the black mic. And I could buy the black eye stuff and grow out my hair. Wouldn't that be great? No? Well you have your own opinion of course. My dream version of myself is a guy who looks just like that and hangs out with chicks in black corsets.

But anyway, as any MCR (My Chemical Romance) fans out there may have noticed by now that guy is MCR's lead singer in the, "Helena" music video which is amazingly awesome. Their other awesome music video is, "I'm Not Okay" which is one of the best music videos I've ever seen. But why have I been listening to MCR so much today you ask? Well today I've been pretending to be emo. Why? Because everyone hates me...just go away...Not really of course. Just because every now and then it feels good to be emo. So I've been listening to MCR's, "Famous Last Words" and, "I'm Not Okay" and other such depressed single guy anthems. And I've been having great fun. I know it's sounds like I'm being sarcastic, but it's actually very cleansing to act emo. And I think my definition of, "acting emo" may be unique. I just mean I'm listening to 30 Seconds to Mars', "The Kill" and The Used's, "All That I've Got" (Which is actually another great music video) and bunches of My Chemical Romance. It's great. But anyway, As I said, I'm bored. But time has passed since I started writing this (due to the fact that I've also been on MSN quite a bit) so I actually have work to do now. The laundry awaits! It's not glorious work, but someone's got to do it. So, mission objective: laundry. CHARGE!!

The wanderlust strikes again!

Well, since I last published a post I’ve written 3 posts. All 3 posts followed the same theme, and after reading them over I decided they were so toxically depressing that it would be irresponsible of me to publish them and cause harm to my readers. So I’ll give you the short version of what’s been going on in my life. I haven’t been feeling great lately (emotionally) for a lot of reasons and I’m also feeling pretty torn about a decision, but the decision is of no real consequence to anyone and no matter what I choose, I lose in some way. So I’ve basically just been feeling pretty down. But one of the laws of my life that I cling to like a drowning man to a piece of wood is that what goes down must come up. That’s right isn’t it? Well so far it has proven to be true, I’m like a rubber band, no matter how far I’m stretched I always snap back. So anyway, I’ve been feeling crappy lately and going head to head with some of my personal demons. But I hope I’m not assuming too much when I say I’m pretty sure that I’ve got a constant cover fire of prayers from fellow soldiers protecting me. So once again I’ve come out on top, after pulling out my bible and eating some spiritual spinach just like Popeye. So anyway, I’m great now, and I need to tell you about my insatiable lust…

Now as I hope you guessed from the title of this post I am not talking about lust as defined, “Intense or unbridled sexual desire” but defined as, “an intense longing” in other words, wanderlust! Which I have just learned is defined as, “Strong longing for or impulse toward wandering” I didn’t know wanderlust was such a common term that it would be in my dictionary. But then again, my dictionary has the word “Superannuate” which I didn’t even know existed until 30 seconds ago. Let’s all hope no one ever superannuates my blog. But anyway, I’m wandering from my point. Wandering! That is my point! My Aunt Susan and Uncle Scott have been here since Sunday and just left today. And as I was at the airport I was remembering how I felt on my big trip to Canada. The most exciting trip I have ever had. Well one of them anyway. And I realized part of what my problem has been lately. I’m so bored! I’m bored out of my skull. I need to travel. I’m sitting here listening to Nightwish’s, “The Wayfarer” and, “Wanderlust” my two traveling theme songs, and as always when I here these songs I am filled with desire, an intense longing, an uncontrollable wanderlust. I need to fly again. People talk about the great poetry in the Psalms. About rising on the wings of the dawn. I’ve done that. That is what I live for. I’m like a caged animal, pacing, wanting freedom. And for me freedom is travel. I love travel. And I’m preparing for what I believe is going to be the biggest trip of my life. I’m going to step on a plane in the Tallinn airport and fly off into the unknown, starting a new life, like a bird pushed out the nest learning to fly. But I will not fly, I will soar! I don’t know if there are many other people like me who long for travel. But I am just dying to travel again. To see new things. To place my footprint where it has never been placed before. To become one with the world. I need to do it again.

Now of course I know some of you might be thinking, “Chris, you live in a medieval city in Europe! You’ve seen the coliseum, the pantheon, the forum! You’ve seen countless countries, been on trips innumerable! How could you want more?” well the answer is simple. All that was merely an appetizer to what I know is out there. And I’m dying for more. And as the NightWish song, “Away” says, “Everything’s just a journey away” I love NightWish when I travel. And I can’t wait to travel again. I think this is all part of a predictable pattern. It seems every time I need wanderlust, I get it. Even though I was slightly hesitant to go to Canada I was so swept up in the adventure of it that I barely thought about it. And I had been getting bored of Tartu right before I moved to Tallinn. And now I’m getting itchy feet again, and I want to get moving. And to be honest I’m going to need all the wanderlust I can get to help me through the trip to America. I hate to leave, and this will be very hard for me. So this is all for the best.

Hey wait a minute! I just remembered, Naruto! Or more specifically, a question about the Naruto OST I downloaded. Hey Anonymous, thanks for reading. That’s quite an odd name you’ve got there. Is that your first or last name? I’ll just assume you’re a super hot chick and call you Any (pronounced like Annie) for short. So Any, I downloaded the Shippuuden Soundtrack from ww.narutocentral.com, which so far is the greatest source of Naruto stuff I’ve been able to find. Check it out and download some stuff for yourself! But anyway, nobody who watches Naruto could be a hot chick, only an ugly guy (please, oh please, oh pretty please with a cherry on top I beg you to prove me wrong! I want a hot Naruto fan Girlfriend!) so I’m assuming too much. Anyway, I’m done now, but I just want to ask you guy’s to pray for me as I think about this not so important decision that’s actually bothering me more than it’s worth. And also I’m still not feeling my best and brightest, so…yeah. I gotta go babysit now, Cya!

Thank God Estonia is FREE!!! NB This post refers to yesterday.

Today is Estonian independence day! I just got back from watching “Laulev Revolutsioon” (“The Singing Revolution”) at Sõprus Kinno (Friendship Theater) and it was the first time I cried during a movie since Zabuza died in Naruto! I’ve always loved Estonia. And I’ve always known this is the most amazing country I have ever set foot in. But seeing this movie. Watching this history. I’m at a loss for words. I love Estonia. I had planned to write some big, patriotic, loving post. But I truly have nothing more that I can say other than “Mu isamaa, mu õnn ja room! Kui kaunis oled sa!” I don’t know what I’ll do when I leave Estonia. But I do know that today, on the 90th anniversary of Estonia’s independence (not counting the long and very illegal occupation by the Soviet Union, which took up most of the last 90 years, that’s why we have 2 independence days!) I love Estonia with all my heart, with all my mind, and all my soul. I have never felt even the tiniest bit of patriotism for America, my official, “homeland” but I love Estonia. It’s the only country, the only place on Earth that has ever made me feel the slightest bit patriotic. And it’s made me feel a lot more patriotic than the slightest bit. I honestly have no more words. I love the land that has on it’s flag blue for the sky, black for the earth, and white for the snow. We don’t need the red blood of the American or Russian flags. We love peace. And I love Estonia.

“Mu isamaa, mu õnn ja room”

Head Iseseisvuspäeva!

I promise you a very moving and patriotic post to go with this picture. I just need to write it. And it probably won't get up until tommorow. So I just wanted to say happy independence day to Estonia! I love Estonia, the home of my heart. My passport may say I'm American, but my heart disagrees. Thank God for freedom.

On a dark and rainy night the battle lines were drawn in a tram stop…

I’m sorry to say you won’t be getting much of my cheerful joking or fun word play in this post. This is probably one the most serious posts I’ve ever written. Why? Right now I’m angry. I’m fresh from the fray. Allow me to explain. As you know, I just got back from the Methodist church. Despite my high hopes today was pretty normal, except for one thing. I was constantly taking a stand. At least 2 times tonight I had to argue my point. And 2 times I stood at a stalemate with my opponent. The stalemate was simple and all too common and extraordinarily irritating. “You’re right, but I don’t care. It’s my life.” I hate that excuse. You were bought at a price, (1 Cor. 6:20) it’s not your life. I used the same argument roughly 2 years ago. I was struggling with monumental temptation, but I had everything I needed to win. My parents said, “Run from this sin” my bible said, “Run from this sin” my God, my Jesus, my Lord, my Savior said “Run from this sin, I will hold you in the palm of my hand and give you strength in this battle.” But to all of these things I said, “You’re right, but I don’t care. It’s my life.” And now I live with deep spiritual, mental, and emotional scars. Scars that ache, that yank at my heart. And The Accuser stands and says “SINNER!” but the Lord forgives me. I was bought at a price. So now I care. It’s his life.

My first battle was relatively small, and was over quickly. I won’t name any names in this post, though many of you may be able to put in names yourself. I had to match wits with a guy who slapped the butt of one of my close female friends. I quickly descended on him with holy wrath and gave him a double barrel of righteousness. He quickly surrendered, with the stalemate cry of, “You’re right, but I don’t care. It’s my life. It feels good, so I do it. Who cares about the future? Who cares about respecting women?” The best part though was that as his parting shot he called me a wuss for not taking more advantage of having such beautiful female friends that I am constantly with. But, as I made sure the he, the single guy who has 0 friends who are girls, knew I only am able to have close female friends because I know to keep my hands to myself. And that respect is extremely important. Of course he stuck to his, “It feels good. It’s my life. You do what you want and I’ll do what I want.” This battle didn’t shake me much. I was jumping to the defense of one of my, “big sisters” and I had kind of seen this coming. But the next battle shook me up. It got me right to the core. And I still feel drained.

The next battle was with my 3 good friends. Not against them. With them. We’re on the same side in the fight for truth and righteousness. Some might say it wasn’t a battle. Some would call it a “debate”. I’m sure all 3 of my friends will think I’m even more psycho when they read this. But I felt the heat. I was at war. We got into discussing boyfriend-girlfriend relationships, an area I feel EXTREMELY strongly about. Those scars I was talking about earlier? No guy could ever so much as give me an emotional bruise, but a girl can slice my heart open. So I presented my position. My arguments of purity, of saving yourself, not just sexually, for the person you plan to give your life to. I shot down every argument. I was on fire. I don’t know where it came from. Well, to be honest, actually I do. Thank you God. But again, despite everything I said. Despite all my convincing arguments. The final cry was, “You’re right, but I don’t care. It’s my life. It feels good. It’s fun. Who cares about the future? Who cares about my future spouse? I guess I just won’t get married then.” My heart tore.

Tonight’s theme was friendship. And I feel that, as we talked about tonight, I did my duty as a true friend. My friends may not care about their futures. But I do. If that makes me a crazy outcast, so be it. I’m leaving soon anyway. Better to leave knowing I did all I can, than leave knowing that everyone likes me, but they’re headed for rough waters because I didn’t offer my view for fear of rejection. But, because I want to be like Jesus, I guess that being rejected is a good thing. And though I know that none of them wanted to listen. And though I know they were all against me. And though I know it may put a strain on our friendship for a little bit (though I sincerely hope not). I am glad I did this. Maybe someday my words will come back to them, floating from some far off place deep in their minds. And though I may never know, I sincerely hope I did more for my friends than irritate them.

Anyway, I don’t know what happens now. I usually agree with people most of the time. It’s not often I have to take a stand. And these are my best friends. I hope I didn’t lose some of my greatest treasures tonight. I hope they understand (and I know at least one of you will read this, so I say it directly to you) my motives and reasons. I really do care about my friends. And I really don’t want them to do stupid things if I can save them. Though it might seem like I’m a psycho trying to push his beliefs of purity, (Eph. 5:3) and sanctification, (1 Thes. 4:3) I do it because I care. Now if that doesn’t sound stupidly cliché then nothing will. But I do care. In war, if a soldier doesn’t watch the back of his fellow soldiers, then they’re all dead. And I know we can be victorious if we stand together. But now it’s nearly 12:30, and this warrior is tired. Please pray for me, and especially for my friends. Thank you,

Chris

And here we go again...

Well it's that time of the month again (no sick puns please) and so I'm off for youth group at the Methodist church. Now I don't know if you remember how exciting last month was ("Blood, guts, guns, cuts, knives, lives, wives, nuns, sluts!" Sorry, that's Eminem's life, not mine. Mine is, "Apples, oranges, Evelin, Taavi, incarnation of feminie beauty!" Not that Taavi is the incarnation of female beauty, that chick...you get it!) but I'm assuming that this month will be equally exciting. It always is. We're doing the Evanescence drama which we haven't done in forever and I LOVE! I get to be all evil and creepy in it. Even more than usual. But anyway, I'm looking forward to it. And if it does turn out to be interesting, I'll be sure to blog about it. This is kinda of interesting right now because it's my first post written on Blogger rather than MS Word in a long time, so because there's not the auto spell check, it's probably one big typo. Sorry. Bat I tink u ken undorstend. If not I'll get a translater.

Anyway, I have two reasons for the title "And here we go again..." Well actually more like 3, kind of. The first is because once again I'm going to the Methodist church for youth group. But the second is more interesting. Interesting because it has to do with a girl. The third reason is because of the girl, or more specifically my thoughts of her, I'm listening to Paramore's "Here We Go Again" Buti I know you're all dying to know who this girl is. It's the girl that turns my blood cold and truly makes me sad. I normally don't blog about her because I like to forget about her. No, this is a different girl. But still one that makes me very sad. Of course I won't name her. But I just was on MySpace stalking, I mean finding, old friends when I bumped into her and started looking at her pictures. Oh, the irony. Oh my heart. Though she wasn't ever anything more than a friend (and usually less than that.) I still feel saddened by thoughts and memories of her. So I'm very glad to have youth group tonight. Because I need a distraction. I'm not very sad. Just slightly saddened. A litte pang in my heart. But anyway, I'm late to leave. I really gotta go. Maybe I'll blog more later. But anyway, Cya!

Do you ever have one of those moments…? Plus college stuff.

Do you ever have one of those moments when you think, “Where will I be in a 6 months? What will I be doing? How will I be feeling?”? I do quite often. Or at least I used to. But this morning as I thought about it I was hit with the strangest realization. I know almost exactly where I’ll be in 6 months. I’ve never had this happen before. Normally I have some fantasy that in the next month earth will be invaded by the Covenant led by Orochimaru, Akatsuki, Darth Vader and Ganon and using my awesome space marine Jedi ninja skills I would spend the next 5 months after that saving damsels in distress and causing girls to swoon at the sight of me saying, “My hero!” but lately I’ve been trying to be more realistic. Ganon would never work with Orochimaru. So I was thinking today about where I’ll really be in 6 months. And as I said I realized I know almost exactly where I’ll be. I’ll be on my 2nd or 3rd day back in America, either staying with relatives or living in a cardboard box. I’ll be rather jet lagged and probably feeling extremely nervous about the fact that in a week or so I’d be at Houghton, doing first impressions, and doing bad with all of them. I can almost picture myself, between homes, living out of a suitcase (which I actually prefer most of the time because it makes cleaning up so easy), struggling to overcome my anti-American tendencies because I doubt I’d be very popular with the more patriotic people if I blame every little thing on American stupidity as I do now.

It’s a scary thought, isn’t it? To think that right now I can calmly wake up, blog, make oatmeal and then slowly get started on schoolwork, but in 6 months I’ll be bungee jumping into the unknown with a broken cord. I don’t know about you, but I think it’s terrifying. Though I know I won’t be completely alone when I first get there it’s still scary to even think about adjusting not only to college life, but American college life. I mean at Christmas I won’t be able to have Blood Sausage! What will I do! And I’ll be stuck with Hershey chocolate rather than Kalev, which most of the time I think is better. And I’ll be stuck with American girls rather than Estonian, which I always think are better. See what I mean? Gotta curb that Anti-American-ness. Don’t worry American girls, I love you too. Well actually, whether or not I do remains to be seen. I haven’t really seen, and spent a good amount of with, more than two American teenage girls in the last 4 years (I know you’re saying, “4 years? You’ve only been in Estonian 3 and a half!” but I wasn’t much of a lady’s man until I met Estonian ladies). So, American girls, your new mission is to convince me that against almost all evidence I should like you better than European girls. Glad it’s not my job, I’m not sure it’s possible…

I’m just joking. I occasionally worry that I’m being offensive when I say things like that, but I think you girls know what I mean. Like, you know I’m joking. But if I did offend anyone please forgive me, I’ll most likely make it up to you by marrying an American girl and spending the rest of my life singing her praises. But anyway, yesterday I mailed off my confirmation of attendance and roommate selection form for Houghton. So now they know I’m definitely coming. So they should start building defensive fortifications any day now. And they should love my roommate selection form. They’ll never find someone who matches up to my level of coolness. I asked for a Salvationist MK who likes to stay up late, but not too late. Who doesn’t mind me listening to Trance and Techno really loud and who isn’t extremely into sports. Someone who comes with a wide flat screen TV and an Xbox 360, PS3 and a Wii, as well as a spring loaded walkthrough guide for every game ever made. Someone who knows enough about computers that if I screw mine up he can fix it. Someone who likes to study enough to get me to study when I need to, but not too much, because goofing off is more fun. Someone who for some odd reason is fluent in Estonian. Someone who is so optimistic that no matter how junky I’m feeling the optimism will spread to me. Someone who is very outgoing, with whom every day will be a party. And someone with a great sense of humor who will think I’m hilarious. And on top of all that I said it would be nice if they could make my roommate be a super hot chick. With hair the color of raven feather and a thing for wearing corsets.

Wow, now that I think about it I haven’t written a, “I love chicks in black corsets” post in forever. I think that I kind of got turned off to corsets when I went to a goth store in Canada and saw how much they cost. Any girl who is willing to spend several hundred dollars on a single piece of clothing, no matter how sexy, is not the type of girl I’m looking for. But back to the main point, (did I have a main point?) as I hope you can guess a big chunk of what I said up there I did not say in my roommate selection thing. Because to be perfectly honest I don’t want a girl roommate quite yet. I mean I’m sure every guy on earth would envy me, but…naw. But now that I look at it though I would like a guy roommate like that. Not with corsets, but with the Xbox and all that. But I do think they may have a hard time finding me a roommate because I said I would like a Salvationist or MK (Though I seriously doubt that any Salvo MKs will be coming to Houghton next year besides me) and I also did mention that I enjoy Trance and Techno because I know that many people find that type of music irritating. So I don’t know who I’ll wind up with for a roommate. But I’m sure he’ll rock, because I could never get a lame roommate, could i?

Anyway, I have another blog post I want to write after this, but I probably won’t because I’ve got other stuff to do. And also to put up two posts in one day usually isn’t good. So for now I must go, until next time, Cya!

Thursday, Valentine’s day. Friday, Battle of the Sexes. Saturday…rest.

What an exciting schedule I’ve had the last few days! Despite the fact that I already wrote a Valentine’s Day post on V-Day I decided to write this instead because I wasn’t in a good mood when I wrote it and I try to keep my blog peaceful. So now let me tell you about my Valentine’s Day, much abbreviated from the 4 page thing I wrote before. Because no one loves me at all no one gave me anything for Valentine’s Day so I gave myself a present instead. I downloaded the Naruto Shippuuden soundtrack and have been rockin’ out ever since. Naruto music shows that the best combination is a flute, a koto, and like 50 Rammsteinish guitars. So absolutely bursting with energy and with Naruto music blasting my ear drums I made a quick decision. I needed to run. I hadn’t had a good run in months. And since I was all fired up from the cool music as well as the intense internal struggle that assaults me every Valentine’s Day I leaned down and, holding my hand behind me to steady my bag, I shot off running as fast as I could go, and I didn’t stop until I reached the crosswalk a few blocks from my house. My lungs were on fire and my heart was beating even faster than it does when I hang out with beautiful girls(which means it’s basically always beating fast) but I felt good. I needed the energy burn. I’d built up too much energy sitting around all winter.

Then I took a tram and saw a total of 10 couples (20 people) all being romantic and kissing or holding hands or having flowers or something to irritate me. So when one couple got off the tram and dropped a rose petal I stomped on the rose petal a few times and then ground it into the floor a little bit with my heel, grinding as much of my V-Day malice into the petal as I could, until all the was left was a red smudge. And when I got to the corps I sulked because it was Valentine’s Day, though I don’t think anyone noticed I was sulking because I never sulk so I was kind of out of practice. I mean is it bad to smile and laugh while sulking? So anyway I sulked through bible study and then Anneli, Priit and I went into Anneli’s office and we lifted me out of my sulk by watching funny videos on YouTube(“SILENCE!! I KILL YOU!!”). And I realized that though spending Valentine’s Day with a girlfriend is the more popular thing to do, I prefer spending it with a girl and a friend. Did you see that little play on words there? Awesome…

Anyway, I’m sure you’re all dying to know what’s with this picture of me in a skirt with breasts. I have the breasts, not the skirt. Just clarifying. It’s not a skirt with breasts, it’s…you get it. I hope you can all see the picture. For some reason FireFox doesn’t seem to show pictures on my blog, even though they’re there and Internet Explorer can see them. But anyway, yesterday for youth night we had transvestite night at the corps. And, as you can see, Eero, Priit and I really enjoyed it. It wasn’t really transvestite night, it was battle of the sexes, led by our grand battle master, Anneli. She says the point was to hopefully get us to respect the opposite sex a little more, but I think she really just wanted to see me in a skirt. The battle ended with a tie, the girls (my team) had 2 points because of our dancing and dressing skills, and the boys (Evelin and Keit) had 2 points for answering boy questions and their acting skills. But the highlight of my night was Anneli complimenting me on my breasts, saying they looked very realistic. Now of course if I ever complimented a girl’s breasts it wouldn’t be the highlight of her night and it would probably cause her to pound me into the floor. But thank God I’m smart enough to know which compliments are wanted and which are asking for death. But to be honest I didn’t think my breasts were that realistic, I thought they were too low, but I’m no expert. And two balled up shirts really shouldn’t looked realistic anyway. Anyway, battle of the sexes was loads of fun, and tons of laughs. All us guys helping each other get dressed up as girls was great. The only thing I didn’t like was that all the clothes were Anneli and Evelin’s, therefore very tiny. Those sandals were so uncomfortable!

Anyway, now about today. Rest. That which I need more than anything else is what I am least likely to get. There is cleaning to be done, as well as several different things to get ready for college. I would also like to send an E-mail to Megagame.com and have been wanting to write to Breakaway, I also need to edit some things on my blog, and it would be nice if I could check MySpace (though unlike FaceBook there’s never anything interesting on there) and Emily, if you’re reading this than know I’ve been meaning to write to you thanking you for the nice comment, but have been too lazy/busy and then once I’m done with all that my room is still a mess and I’d like to clean that, and that I need to keep doing laundry and then take out the trash and then…yeah, rest. But at least I did something kind of fun today. Tourest had a big travel trade fair that I went to with my family which was slightly interesting. Actually, the best part (my brother and I both agree) was when the girls danced. It reminded me of the back breaking dance Anneli is teaching us right now. Though the girls didn’t look like they were in quite as much pain as I usually am. But just as traveling with a family is usually more work than it’s worth, so is a travel trade fair. And also I’m not interested in looking at all these booths trying to get me to spend money to go place I’ve already been. That’s the problem with traveling a lot. Eventually you hit a point were you say “Travel Europe? See the Colloseum? Go to Prague? Helsinki? Riga? London? Paris? Been there, done that! Give me Egypt and Japan and maybe I’ll be interested, but Europe?” so it wasn’t quite as exciting for me as I’m sure it would be for most people. But anyway, at least I got to have some good Estonian blood sausage and watch a bunch of young Estonian girls dance to Black Eyed Pea’s “Pump It” But now I must go, work calls. So until next time, Cya!

This just seemed appropriate for Valentine's Day...

I heard the ladies love a man in uniform...

I just love this picture, and will put it as my faceBook picture on Sunday and would already have it as my MySpace picture if MySpace wasn't so dang hard to use!! Well anyway, enjoy your drooling! Cya!

I stand TRIUMPHANT!!

I am the champion, no time for losers ‘cuz I am the champion…of college acceptance! Everybody dance now! Celebrate good times, COME ON! And many other celebration songs. Why am I celebrating? Well, when I applied to Houghton and Thomas More colleges I had a goal. My goal was to be so great that despite the fact that I would probably choose which college I liked best before I was accepted I would be accepted by both. My goal was to have a choice of places that wanted me for my own coolness. Now as all of you know I was accepted to Houghton months ago, two weeks after applying. Even before I had visited. And then as I think you all know I fell in love with Houghton and not with Thomas More after I visited both. And I waited months and finally gave up on Thomas More ever accepting me, which didn’t make any difference because I’d already decided on going to Houghton anyway. But now I hold in my hands (not literally of course, it’s hard to type with a letter in your hands!) a letter of acceptance from Thomas More College of Liberal Arts. So now I stand triumphant, totally psyched and happy, elated beyond elation, because my goal was to be accepted to both colleges, and now I have been accepted to both colleges. Now I have to send a $300 deposit to Houghton to tell them I will be coming and a $0 deposit to Thomas More with a letter telling them I won’t be coming because 4 years of second hand smoke doesn’t appeal to me. Well I won’t say it quite like that, but I will thank them for accepting me and politely decline. But at least I got accepted to both! It’s very rare that I achieve one of my goals, because they’re always either unrealistic or I’m just too lazy, so I’m very happy.

Anyway, I feel like a broken record on posts like this so let me just say the main point. I got accepted to 2 out of 2 colleges I’m happy. But now I must be off, there’s babysitting to be done!

What is love?

With Valentine’s day, that cursed day of torture for the single soul, coming up I’ve had love on my mind a lot lately. Now none of you know why, because I long ago swore not to write about my love life on my blog, but the topic of love is a very painful thing for me to think about, at least romantic love is. As shown by last year’s V-day post (You know the one, dead stupid Cupid with an arrow in his back) this has been a rather irritating area for sometime. But because I am human, and because I worship Love (God is Love), this is an area it is impossible for me to avoid. Not completely impossible, romantic love can be extraordinarily easily avoided, though it makes life a lot more boring, but still difficult. Because there are different kinds of love, and love is everywhere, and no matter where I go in Tallinn there are always couples walking around looking lovey-dovey. But on Friday the subject of love was not brought up in connection to God, or my friends or family, or romantically. It was brought up as a question in a game.

At youth group we played a game where we got into 2 lines and then we would all get asked a question and we would have to answer it to the person across from us. One of those getting to know each other type games. And when I was standing across from Evelin the question was asked, “What is true love?” Now this is a gigantic question that I won’t be able to answer in this post, and I definitely wasn’t able to answer adequately in the minute I had. So I went with the easy and (I thought ) obvious answer, God is Love, God is true, God is perfect. Therefore the only true love is God’s love. Or God himself. But Evelin’s answer surprised me a little. She said she doesn’t believe in true love, she thinks there is no such thing. Now that is a view of true love that I have struggled with for a long time. But I have come to this conclusion, there must be true love, or else I have no hope. I have piles and piles of evidence that we humans are nothing more than hedonistic animals who live for pleasure, and do everything by impulse and instinct. And that because as a species we want to survive we invent “love” because being in love and being married gets the kids raised and keeps humans from dying out, and that is our instinct so we do it. That is a view that is, quite sadly, very widely accepted. But with that view I see no hope, and I need hope.

I’ll be honest with you, I hate Valentine’s day. And when I see happy couples kissing, hugging, holding hands, or just being happy I want to go psycho on them and shatter their blissful self-delusion. But do you know why I don’t? Because I have hope. I might hate Valentine’s day right now, and I might feel a slight flicker of anger when I see happy couples as I walk lonely in the cold, but deep inside, deeper than the hate and anger, is the hope. And more than hope, the knowledge, that someday I will know that happiness too. Today I am single, I am extremely alone in the romantic sense of the word. I have no “prospects” and I get the feeling that nobody is interested in me either. But I know that someday I will find a women who I will love, and who will love me. And all this hate and anger that I fight so hard to keep under control will simply melt away and be replaced by pure joy. And that is why I believe in true love, because without it where is my hope? If my hope is to find a women who loves me, but then meets someone better and turns whore on me then that’s no hope at all. I don’t really want to believe in true love. Life would be so much easier if we really were animals. But I know there must be true love, and I know it’s out there somewhere. And part of my plan for the next 10 years is to hunt it down.

A lot of people might say 10 years is a long time but I’ve waited this long and I think it’s worth it. If it only takes me 4 years all the better, but my hope is within 10 years to be married. Another thing that made me think about this was in my latest issue of Breakaway magazine (Breakaway rocks!) was “A letter to my future husband” which was just that. A teenage girl’s letter to her future husband. Now of course she doesn’t know yet who her future husband is. She could be writing to me for all I know. But she wrote a letter, mostly of encouragement, to her future husband. It’s something I’ve thought about doing before. But as she says in her letter, it just feels really weird. It’s weird to pray for your future wife to, but I do that. But writing is extremely weird. But maybe I will. Especially because I believe that the majority of my reader’s are female, and of course this letter in Breakaway didn’t only encourage her future husband, it encouraged me too. So maybe even if I never marry any of you, I might still encourage you. I’ll thin about it.

But anyway, now I must return to my simple life as a single Christian young man on a mission to single handedly save the world until such a time as he finds a women who will stand back to back with him in the fray. But until then, Cya!

It's the little things that really give you joy...

Fun at the Methodist church

As always whenever I go to the Methodist church I have fun. Whether I’m there to be entertained, or to entertain, it’s always fun. I’ve been going to a university student bible study on Thursdays at the Methodist church for a while now, and last Thursday they asked me to help them out with a thing they were doing this Saturday, that is, today. And since I’m such a wonderful person of course I said yes I’d love to help, so Anneli helped with food while Priit and I ended up as child care. Which is exactly how I’d want it. So I was in charge of thinking up games and fun stuff for the kids to do, and then doing it with them for and hour and a half. We had loads of fun, we played 5 games using only a scarf and two tennis balls (never knew a scarf and two tennis balls could be fun, did you?), did a puppet show of a rather modern snow white, and I told the story of David and Goliath while the kids acted it out. Which the kids loved because I brought a toy sword, and so the guy lucky enough to be Goliath was thrilled to have a sword until David used it to chop off his head at the end. It was great. I love kids. The best kid was this little girl named Lisa (probably spelled Liisa) who was hilarious. She couldn’t have been older than 4 but she was still a riot. Her and another girl, Liise, were the first to come in and when Liisa found out Liise’s name she burst out excitedly saying, “Your name’s Liise? My names Liisa! They sound the same! We should be friends!” but the best thing she did was during the Bible story. As I was telling about how every said to David, “How can you fight Goliath, you’re just a kid” she jumped up in shock and said, “What? This is a battlefield! You can’t have kids on a battlefield! The Israelites and Philistines should go fight somewhere else.” It was hilarious.

Anyway, now I’ve been working on my FAFSA stuff, which is irritating to say the least. So pray I don’t go crazy before I get to college. Anyway, I need to go now. Cya!

My evil twin (Pardon me, misunderstood twin) and I are going to take over MySpace and DDR!

Why hello there. As you may have noticed the good old blog post machine has been malfunctioning lately. The problem, lack of inspiration. The other problem, overdose of apathy when inspiration hits. Both very serious problems. But I’m hoping to cure both of those problems starting right now! With a post title like the one above there is NO WAY this won’t be good post that will put me straight back into my blogging groove and make me groovy again. Well I’m always groovy, but anyway…Who is my evil twin you ask? Well you may have noticed that I have up a picture of a guy who (so I’m told) looks a lot like the sexiest man alive. The most wonderful, excellent, rockingly cool guy this side of Mars. Who is this look-a-like? Well I’ve never watched the amazingly popular “Heroes” TV series (Though I love the Heroes of Might and Magic computer game series from 3DO and Ubisoft. Heroes III and IV rock!!) but my good friend Matt in America told me that as he watched the big bad of Heroes calmly suck out brains he couldn’t help notice a shocking resemblance between Sylar and…ME! I don’t know if it’s because he figured out the way that through my blog I suck out your brains and eat them with milk for breakfast, or if it’s because Sylar and I look similar physically. I may never know, but I do know that I kind of agreed that Sylar and I had a lot in common. So anyway, I don’t know a lot about Heroes so I can’t really do a full blown post about Sylar’s similarities to myself. But I will do a little search (Wikipedia rocks!) and then write a post full of jokes and innuendos about how I also enjoy brain sucking. But for now just drool over this look-a-like and imagine how sexy I must look, all sweaty from playing DDR in an underground café in Old Town. But wait, you don’t know about that yet. Allow my to tell you…

After I tell you about MySpace. Due to the irritating insistence of my friend Anneli (who has long since figured out that I’ll do most anything she wants, but not everything. Luckily she doesn’t want me to do anything I wouldn’t do) I have made a MySpace. Well not quite true, I figured out how to get into the MySpace I made 4 years ago in one night and then forgot (I had only wanted to make it because I thought if I had a cool MySpace girls would fall at my feet). And so now, because I am a slave to my friends, I have made a MySpace. A MySpace that still has the picture of myself I put up from 4 years ago. Back when the world was young and beautiful. So if you want to see a funny old picture of me then check out www.myspace.com/_kurisu_. Now why would my evil twin and I want to take over MySpace? So that we can kill it and force everyone to use FaceBook. Or force people to actually talk to each other and make friends in person. Is that even possible? I really don’t like MySpace. I’m going insane trying to get my stupid thing to look half decent! I put up a really cool background, with Jiraiya who is my hero for his quote “Jiraiya the man does not simply allow women to simply seduce him with their beauty! When you become great like me women will go crazy over your beauty.” Which is exactly my goal in life, become as great as Jiraiya so women will go crazy over me. And then when I had up the great background I realized that now no one could read most of the stuff written in my profile. So I spent more than an hour trying 5 other backgrounds and playing with all the text settings and making my profile look sickening before I realized I didn’t have time for a project of that magnitude and just stuck on some free advertising for www.megagame.com. So now I’m frustrated because I can’t make MySpace look like it’s really MY SPACE! The only thing I like on MySpace is the little music player. That’s cool, I’ve got it playing some fun Modest Mouse stuff. But other than that there’s nothing to do! No applications, no slayers or vampires, and not even a superhero powers application! The pain! I prefer FaceBook, but am still not going on until Sunday, and then not until the Sunday after that, and so on until Lent ends. So anyway, I’ll make a great MySpace pretty soon. Just you wait, it’ll be awesome!

Anyway, let’s get back to the real world now. I’m sure you’re all dying to know what I was doing playing Dance Dance Revolution (DDR). So I’ll tell you, I was looking stupid. I haven’t played DDR in years. I last played with my friend Matt (same one who pointed out my twin) and that was ages ago. But it’s a great story, how I ended up in my socks on a plastic mat in a café, so I’ll tell you the whole thing. My friend Elis (who doesn’t read my blog so I can probably harass here without fear) has been asking Anneli, Evelin and I to come with her to a café to play DDR for a while now. We’ve always had excuses before, because we thought that what Elis meant was “Do you want to go to a grungy bar and play a broken DDR game?” but today we had no excuses so we decided to take the risk and dive with Elis into the unknown. So Anneli, Evelin, Priit, Elis and myself all walked into old town. We walked to Viru street. We turned down an alley, past a pile of trash, heading in the direction of the gay bar. When we reached the gay bar we turned left (gay bar was on the right) down some dark steps that I wouldn’t have noticed without Elis. As I saw where we were going I thought to myself, “don’t worry man, if it’s some nasty dive full of drunks and freaks you can get out easily enough. And you won’t be alone in wanting to leave if there’s nothing interesting, so chill” so I was slightly more happy when I saw the brightly colored sign saying “Eat Here” Eat being the name of the restaurant the sign had 2 meanings. Then we went in and found a cozy and nicely lit café full of people playing games. There were board games and books, and in the corner a Playstation 2 in a big demo type stand like you’d see in an electronics store hooked up to 2 dance mats. This place was great! Elis bought an Orange juice, giving us the privilege of DDRing to our hearts content. And we did. We danced until our legs hurt. And we had loads of fun, and piles of laughs. It was great, I can’t wait to do it again! That was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. I didn’t win very much though. I beat Priit and Evelin on their first tries but then when Priit challenged me to a rematch on “Pro” mode my feet just couldn’t keep up and I lost horrendously. But it was really fun, and we got tons of good pictures which I’ll put up later.

Anyway, now I’m very tired after my fun night, so I’m going to sleep. I’ll probably blog again tomorrow because I’m helping out the Methodists with some children’s program so that should be interesting. Anyway, until next time, goodnight!

Lent

Well, It's Mardi Gras, meaning lent starts tommorow. And I'm giving up FaceBook for lent and now that FaceBook imports all my blog posts as notes now this post is for all you FaceBook people especially. I am not ignoring you, I am not avoiding you. I'm just not going to be on FaceBook for a while. If you need to contact me for any reason you can do so through E-mail (chrisjohnclark@juno.com) or through my blog (www.chrischronicles.blogspot.com) but all through lent I will not be on Facebook. Except Sundays. I won't fast on Sundays because it's the sabbath and all that. So Hopefully you guys can survive without me on Heroes and Triumph for a little while. If not, tough! Cya

Sounds like me, doesn't it?

My spidey senses are tingling, there’s a disturbance in the force. Something is wrong.

All day I’ve been plagued with a deep sense of foreboding. This isn’t the first time this has happened to me. Several times in the past I’ve felt uneasy for no apparent reason and then found that something was wrong. I don’t know what it is but I can tell something’s up somewhere. I’m probing my mind trying to find anything to connect this to. But I’m drawing a blank. There’s a disturbance in the force, and I can feel it. I’m not like psychic or anything, I just know something’s up. I don’t know if this happens to anyone else, or if anyone has any idea what it is that I’m sensing, but if you know what’s up please let me know. It’s irritating me to no end. I really don’t know how to describe this feeling. And I haven’t been inspired to blog all week. Though there have been times that I’ve thought “Dude, I should totally blog this” I’ve been like blocked or something. So now, though I’m completely lacking in the area of creative content and inspiration, I’m blogging anyway. Maybe by blogging I’ll search my mind enough to figure out what’s freaking me out. Oh wait, I have an idea…

I have often thought about blogging about, well, my blog. More specifically about what my blog is. Many have described a blog as an online public diary. I think that sounds weird. If I still had a diary then I wouldn’t want you reading it. And the reason I keep a blog rather than a diary is because a blog keeps me firmly footed in reality. In a diary I could go off and fantasize and turn a passing feeling into some sickening 10 page testament to my own stupidity. But here I write reality. Mostly. So anyway, back to what my blog is. It’s not a diary. And though I often use it to write down what’s been happening lately, it’s not just a means of recording events either. My blog is the key to my mind. And not just for you, but for me also. Through reading my blog you could potentially get to know me sickeningly well. If you could pick up on every innuendo, veiled threat, hidden joke and insult in my blog, and get both sides of all my double meanings then you would know my whole story. Because what I write here is exactly what goes on in my mind. One reason why I like blogging so much is that if I’m having a problem and need to think then blogging causes me to probe my whole brain, not just the 1% I normally use. So I find the most interested things, some disturbing, some funny, all fascinating. So now you know, you are not just reading some slightly eccentric writings of mine, you are reading the deepest depths of the darkest corners of my eccentric mind. I hope you find it interesting.

So, what to blog about…I need more. I don’t know why, but this feeling persists, and now it’s joined by another feeling, I need to keep blogging until I hit something good. Well I’ll tell you some of what’s been going on lately. Yesterday (Saturday) Anneli, Evelin, Priit and I stuck my N64, 4 controllers, 007: GoldenEye, Perfect Dark and a Power Converter in my backpack and brought it to the corps and spent 4 hours shooting each other into oblivion. It was loads of fun, especially for me. The biggest reason I got an N64 was to play with my friends, and I love playing with my friends because I almost always win. I don’t know why I’ve always been so good with video games, I just always have been. So, much to the irritation of my friends, even when they teamed up, 3 on 1, I still won by a wide margin. So I had a great time. Mindless slaughter brings me great joy. Then after that Anneli, Priit and I hit the town to take even more cool pictures. By the way, last Sunday Anneli, Evelin and I took tons of pictures in Old Town, 597 to be exact, and all of them are on FaceBook if you want to check them out. And by the way, if you’re not my friend on FaceBook, or not a part of my “The Chronicles of Chris” fan club on FaceBook, then you should become my friend and join my group.

And speaking of FaceBook…Lent is coming, the goose is getting fat. And because it is customary to give up something for lent, I will too. I thought about a lot of things to give up. Video games? No, I don’t play them that much anymore anyway. All electronics (TV, Computer, Video games, MP3 player)? No way could I survive that. Sex? Well, the thing about that is that giving it up wouldn’t really be a sacrifice because you can’t give up what you don’t have. So I decided to give up FaceBook. It’s actually a bigger sacrifice than you might think, and I spend far too much time on it every day. So I can take that time and use it for bible reading, and prayer and schoolwork. 3 things I need a million times more than FaceBook. So throughout lent if you want to contact me, and would normally do so through FaceBook, than please E-mail me (chrisjohnclark@juno.com) or comment on my blog, because I’ll keep blogging and doing E-mail, but no more FaceBook.

So now I’m stuck once again, and don’t know what to say. I probably won’t be posting this post tonight, so if I get a brainwave I can blog. But now I need to go fight the ninja assassin that thinks I haven’t sensed his presence all day. Let’s see how he likes me beating him in a game of 007…


P.S. I still sense a disturbance, if any of you really did get attacked by ninjas today let me know.