Hope Still Flies: Thoughts of a Kamikaze

Well, Happy Birthday to me. I’m very easily pleased at this point in my life and there wasn’t much I wanted this birthday. I did manage to get the one thing I had really been hoping for: The Last Interview and Other Conversations, a recently published collection of interviews with Kurt Vonnegut. Vonnegut is one of those writers who I very much wish I were. This particularly collection of interviews is, if I may say so, startlingly good. I would call it a must read for low-minded “hack” writers such as myself. We who sneeze at the artsy-fartsy and just want writing to be easy, fun, and profitable for everyone involved, both writers and readers. As Vonnegut so fantastically puts it: "I think it can be tremendously refreshing if a creator of literature has something on his mind other than the history of literature so far. Literature should not disappear up its own asshole, so to speak." This quote comes from the first interview of the book, Kurt Vonnegut, The Art of Fiction, which I devoured on my first flight today. I've always known I don't quite fit in with my fellow Writing majors, and even less with the English majors, but this article really validated me. I'm not sure I can fully formulate what I'm thinking at this point, but I really love Kurt Vonnegut.

Plus, the stewardess on my first flight was Vonnegut fan and asked me about the book. I told her it was fantastic.

What's that, flights? I've mentioned that twice now? Yeah, I should probably tell you about my day. This semester I managed to set it up so I have no classes Mondays, Wednesdays, or Fridays meaning that I could spend an extra night at home before having to return to school. So for my birthday I had two easy and relaxed domestic flights from Bangor to Laguardia, then Laguardia to Buffalo. So that explains (half) my post title. Besides just being excited about Five Iron Frenzy's new song and wanting an excuse to embed it I also was flying today while listening to this song.

They really were nice and easy flights. As we flew towards Laguardia we circled Manhattan and over the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island. It was a fantastic view. Also, it truly is my birthday! Lo and behold I found the holy grail of airport gate seats! I had a seat next to an outlet! Between flights I could finish the House episode I had been watching. Of course there was no free wireless, but still, I’ll take what I can get.

And now maybe I should explain the other half of this post's title.

I've been waiting, in halfhearted sleep,
For a promise I half meant to keep.
Just for hoping that hope still flies,
Wipe the sleep out of our sleeping eyes.
And hope still flies...

It's a new year, a new semester, and a new beginning. I'm writing again and really trying to get some self-improvement going. This is good. I'm waking up and trying to keep my promises, to be a writer, and to have hope in my writing and myself. But how can I do this? What attitude or stance must I take?

I guess I have to be a Kamikaze.

The lyrics to this song, down to the last word, capture my feelings as I begin this semester. This semester I graduate, I get married, I face the vast unknown of the future. I just have to jump in. My favorite image in this song, and the one I'm adopting for myself, is that of the flaming arrow soaring in the wind. It's time for me to take a leap of faith. 3, 2, 1, I'm going in. Welcome to my last semester.

I'm going in (1, 2, 3, and go)
Like a kamikaze (like Geronimo)
A leap of faith (and i finally feel alive)
3, 2, 1, I'm going in

I don't know if it's just me
But it seems that things aren't changing
Every day is pretty much the same
With a little rearranging
If i do nothing i can't fail
No blistered hands, no broken nails
Killing time, I'm paralyzed
With faded dreams and hollow eyes
I've been waiting for a revelation
For a moment of clarity
Conflicts and convolutions
Ricochet inside of me
There comes a time for throwing caution to the wind

I feel the pulse again

I'm going in (1, 2, 3, and go)
Like a kamikaze (like Geronimo)

A leap of faith (and i finally feel alive)
3, 2, 1, i'm going in

(1, 2, 3, say when)
Like a flaming arrow (soaring in the wind)
A leap of faith (and i finally feel alive)
3, 2, 1, I'm going in
 

I am so slow to commit 

I have wasted years on fences
Is it really true the shoes don't fit?
Is it only my defenses?
What if i don't measure up,
Don't listen well, don't smile enough?
Alone and unknown up 'till now
Need to change direction somehow
I've been open to persuasion
Wanting someone to take the lead
It's alittle disconcerting
Signing up for eternity
There comes a time for throwing caution to the wind
And so my life begins