When i grow up....

I hate thinking about what i'm going to be "when i grow up". Now that i'm 17 and thinking about college i feel like i should know. And i have come to two conclusions, which may not be possible, but are the only two options that i like. I would either: A. like to become a genetically enhanced cyborg and fight for Earth in space (As pictured left). Or B. i would like to go back in time and go to Japan and learn Ninjitsu and become a Ninja and spend my life fighting evil (As pictured right). Now as you may have noticed neither of these are actually realistic options. But they both sound pretty cool, right? Anyway, because neither of my first choices are actually possible i think i might have to think about something in my own time period and on Earth. So i have narrowed it down to three options, none of which are perfect, but then again, what in life is? I have been seriously considering moving to America, maybe living with relatives, maybe working for the Salvation Army somewhere, maybe, maybe, maybe. But then i'm going to be so far away from my almost 3 year old brother and 11 year old sister, and my parents too. And plus i'd be leaving Estonia. And i LOVE Estonia! I have so many cool friends here! But there'd always be new friends in America...I don't know. I'm seriously torn about this. Because i'm actually not a huge fan of my so-called "Home land". It's never been home to me. But i could get a job there, and save up for college or whatever.

Another option i've thought of is just going to back to Vancouver for War College (www.thewarcollege.com) because i loved Battle School and i personally feel that i matured and grew up a lot there. But the only problem is that it costs 6000$ Canadian. But i think i might be able to make a tragic plea to the Salvation Army and all of you and everybody else i know and say "I'm a poor missionary's kid with no money who has given heart and soul, mind and body working myself half to death in a foreign country. Please support me as i go to Vancouver to serve God." and i think i might just make it. I mean if everybody i knew gave...100 dollars. That's a lot. Hmmm. I'll have to think about this. And once again the problem with this is that i'd be leaving Estonia and all my family. And i was able to leave for about two months last year, but then when i came back all hell broke loose (mostly my fault, but still...) but a whole year...so long. so many options, so many problems.

Then my final options is this:stay home. I'm only 17, i could stay home for a year, bone up on my weak points (Math) and enjoy life with my family. The only problem is that i know that, just like i have for the last few years, i will not do my shool work, will put off the hard stuff, and just waste time. Something needs to change. But i love Estonia and don't want to leave. In the last year i lost the reason why i thought i'd marry an Estonian and live in Estonia forever, and no new reasons have appeared so i don't see myself staying here forever, though. And my language skills have been detoriating. And i can't get a job here, i mean who wants to hire a kid who seaks almost only english. I speak some Estonian, but not enough to do any job. So i can't make and save money here. But i'm just terrified of change. I want everything to stay the same. I've read about happening to kids who have moved a lot. I've never lived in one place for more than three years, and i so i'm sick of the constant change of surroundings. But things will always have to change sometime. It's all just so scary. Anyway, i've always loed feedback here on my blog so i'd like to ask everyone to E-mail me (chrisjohnclark@juno.com) or comment and tell me what you think. I like hearing what other people think. Especially because i know almost everybody who reads my blog is smarter than me. So i'd value your input. I really don't know what to do. I'm practically paralyzed by fear. And that's not a good state to be in. So anyway, i'm gonna go take a shower now, because i reek. Cya!